Sentinel
by Tovaras
Summary: Kaidan's life has never been easy. BAaT nearly drove him to madness, life after was a struggle, but now… Now he is ready. For whatever life tosses at him. Or so he thinks.
1. Chapter 1

**Sentinel **

Mass Effect 1-3

Pairing: Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko

Kaidan's life has not always been easy. BAaT nearly drove him to madness, life after was a struggle, but now… Now he is ready. For whatever life tosses at him. Or so he thinks.

Author's Note: This is my take on Kaidan and his past. Most of the information is provided at his dossier at the Mass Effect wiki, but some are mere speculations from my side that I think make sense based on what Kaidan himself tells you during all three games.

xoxoxox

**The Start:**

Kaidan looked down at the com-pad again, just reading over the requirements needed for him to even consider joining theAlliance.

He had thought about it a lot, or at least from when he was able to think straight again. BAaT did that to its… he hesitated to call them students, but that was the title officially. Bullshit of course, but he was among a handful of survivors who actually knew the truth.

Bottom line, BAaT downright fucked with a person's brain.

He focused at the com-pad again.

Physical test. Passed, with an above average result, which made him proud.

IQ test. Passed with top results, though he had no idea why. He didn't get the reasoning, only the results.

Biotical test. Passed with flying colours, his biotics spiking off the charts. He wasn't surprised when they asked for one. TheAlliancehad his files. All of them.

Drug tests. Cleared. He had been clean for over a year now.

Criminal records. To be discussed.

There were other tests too, small ones. Exams in history, maths, culture, racial tests; all passed. Thank the heavens that his time at rehab had left him with a lot of spare time on his hands to actually study up on this.

Thank the heavens for a father who dropped him a hint that reading this actually would help when Kaidan had said that he was considering joining theAlliance. The work, however, Kaidan had done on his own.

The tapping of a firm finger against the metal counter told Kaidan that the owner of said finger was getting impatient with him just staring at the com-pad. He had to make up his mind now.

With a fluid motion, Kaidan signed his name at the orange-glowing line before pushing it back to the officer behind the counter. Said officer picked it up and read it, muttering under his breath before looking at Kaidan.

"You'll have to talk to the lieutenant about some of your… points here, Alenko."

"I expected as much, sir."

"Ready to defend yourself?"

"I got nothing to hide, sir."

The man grunted again before he checked off the com-pad and dropped it into a small basket on the desk, letting it rest along with others. "It's just a formality," he said, jerking his head towards Kaidan, motioning for the young man to follow him. "To clarify a few things."

"Of course, sir," Kaidan replied, following the officer, duffle bag slung casually over his shoulder. He was prepared; it was nothing he hadn't faced before, except now he was older, smarter and had a clear mind.

The officer opened the door to a well-lit office and showed Kaidan inside, snapping a salute at a brusque-looking man sitting behind a desk. The man just nodded back at the two of them, not once looking up from the com-pads he was holding. "Have a seat, Alenko. Sergeant Robinson, you are dismissed."

Kaidan could see the officer's hand fly up again as he once again saluted before stepping out, leaving Kaidan alone with the lieutenant. He quietly walked over to the chair in front of the lieutenant's desk and sat down, looking straight ahead.

Don't talk unless spoken to.

Answer every question truthfully.

Do not deny anything.

His parents' advice buzzed around in his skull as he quietly waited for the man to finish whatever he was doing. He rested his hands on his thights, clenched them into fists. They were already moist from sweat.

"Kaidan Alenko. Born in twenty-one fifty-one. You will turn twenty-one later this year, no?"

Kaidan nodded. "In September, sir."

"Only child. You have a father who is in theAlliance, stay-home mom inVancouver."

"Yes, sir."

The lieutenant rubbed his chin, looking down at what Kaidan assumed was his dossier. He swallowed heavily, feeling his heart thump in his chest.

"You are a biotic, according to your dossier. And you were a part of the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training at Jump Zero."

Here it came.

"Yes, sir."

The lieutenant finally looked up from the com-pad and looked directly at Kaidan, grey eyes trying their very best to burn a hole right through his head. "Alenko… I have read through your file a couple of times now. I know that you were in a rather… delicate situation at that particular camp. That you were part of a tragic accident that happened there and later suffered the consequences of what went on."

"That is correct, sir."

"Is there anything you wish to add?"

"I believe everything of importance is in my dossier, sir," Kaidan replied, looking back at the lieutenant, trying to look confident. "Everything from what happened at camp, my life after that time and my time at rehab. There is nothing else to add that I feel is needed, sir."

"I see." The lieutenant looked at Kaidan's dossier again, which in turn made Kaidan nervous. Exactly what was written there? Was there something he should have known about?

"Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?"

Oh boy…

"No, sir."

"For one, you have not applied to join the biotic training here at camp. Why is that?"

Kaidan shifted a little on his seat. "I do not wish to be viewed as 'a biotic', sir. I want to show that I can do more than just lift things with my mind." Also, he didn't want to be looked upon as a freak, he'd had enough of that in his lifetime, but he couldn't say that out loud.

"And it is nothing you wish to consider either?"

"In time, sir. I have thought about it and I may pick up on it after basic training."

The man grunted and nodded. "Mm… Normally, any applicants that show or are registered biotics are required to join basic biotic training, but seeing your… past at BAaT, I am willing to overlook that."

"Thank you, sir."

"Question two. You were given a full physical and during your scans, it showed that you still use the L2 implants and declined the offer to have them replaced with a better upgrade. Why?"

Kaidan took a deep breath of air, weighing his words carefully. "It is partly linked with the answer to your first question, sir. I did not want to join basic biotic training so I felt an upgrade would be a waste, especially if I end up not joining further biotic training in the future.

"Also, I am accustomed to the L2 implants, sir. My doctor says that I will most likely suffer periodic migraines despite replacing them and that replacing them may cause me brain damage." He didn't feel like telling the lieutenant that so far he was spiking higher than a normal L3 when it came to his biotic abilities. Then he would probably be forced to join the program.

"Fair enough, Alenko. Then I have only one more question for you." The man fixed his grey eyes directly on him, his face serious. "It says here you were in rehabilitation to get rid of your problems with Red Sand after BAaT and that you have been clean for a year. How is your stance on Red Sand, Alenko?"

"I won't touch the stuff again for as long as I live, sir," Kaidan replied truthfully. "My life while on it was a living hell, if you can pardon my language, sir. If I can help it, I won't go within ten feet of it unless I have to. And I will never use it again."

The lieutenant nodded before standing up from his chair, eyes never leaving Kaidan. He placed his hands behind his back as he took a relaxed, military stance, jerking his head up to gesture for Kaidan to stand up.

Kaidan took the same stance, looking up at the man. He was much taller than he looked.

"Based on your files, your results and the answers you have given me here, I will happily welcome you into the Alliance Navy's military training, Alenko. And for the record, your results and files alone were enough to get you in, but I just wanted to see what kind of man I was dealing with. Not many enlist out of their own free will at twenty-one, let alone people who have gone through the stuff you've been through."

Kaidan tried not to look too proud of himself. "I want to serve, sir. This time on my terms."

"Good man, Alenko. That's the kind of man we want here." He snapped Kaidan a salute, who returned it automatically, before reaching out his hand to shake the young biotic's.

"Your father would be proud of you, Alenko. Your training starts at oh-six-hundred hours tomorrow. Grab your gear, get ready and prepare. You're in for a hard ride."

Kaidan returned the firm handshake.

"I won't let you down, sir."


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan could get used to the rude wake-ups, the morning drills, running in the middle of pouring weather, knee-deep in water. He could get used to the sorry excuse they called food, the latrine duties and the constant yelling from his superior officers.

Hell, he could get used to underwear constantly riding up his ass because of the friction from his pants.

He wasn't sure if he could get used to the buzz-cut though. His scalp was constantly itching and when he looked at himself in the mirror, all he could see were eyebrows. Huge, dark eyebrows. He wondered if he could ask to have those shaven off as well.

Other than that, life at boot camp wasn't bad. He'd been here a month already and he found that he was actually enjoying his time here. Sure, it was hard work, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.

He was already used to wearing a uniform from his time at BAaT, used to surprise inspections and being worked until his body was crying out in pain.

The main difference was at BAaT he would go to bed with a migraine that resembled a group with Krogans river-dancing inside his skull, preventing him from falling asleep. Here he was so physically drained that he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He wasn't hit every time he was doing something wrong either. He was just yelled at for a couple of minutes before he was forced to redo what he was doing, then repeat it until he had learned the correct way. He was pretty fast with a gun now, able to disassemble it and reassemble it in twenty seconds flat. Probably not a camp record, but he was happy as long as he wasn't accidentally shooting himself in the foot while doing it.

"'ey, Alenko! Food's being served! Stop admiring your face and get your butt in gear!"

Kaidan looked over his shoulder as the other guys stepped out of the shower, nodding his head at them. "Yeah, I'll be right there!" He quickly finished drying himself off with a towel before getting dressed.

He was starting to feel it in his body too when it came to the various changes. He was stronger, a little bigger in the muscle department. A month wasn't a long time, but all the hard work was definitely doing something.

He was getting along with the others at camp as well, but he wouldn't say he was particularly close to any of them. He worked well with them, yes. He was able to co-operate with them, discuss and agree on things, but he was also holding them just a little away from himself. It was mostly habit, a way to protect himself.

He'd already had one person look at him with fear in her eyes. He had experienced the hateful words of being "different", being a freak. An abomination in a world where "his kind" still was something unfamiliar.

Here, they were all in the same boat. They were all adults, all training to become soldiers. There were even people like him here, other biotics, but he just couldn't help it. He didn't want to take the chance, found that he didn't dare to take the chance.

After zipping up his fly, Kaidan ran a hand over his skull, feeling the buzz-cut under his fingers. He doubted he would ever get used to it; the rough, stinging feeling of short hair under his fingertips.

And god damn it, it was –itching-!

xoxoxox

Dinnertime was always a mess. People pushing one another, wanting to get to the unknown substance that was called "food".

Kaidan didn't mind waiting.

As a biotic, he had a special kind of diet. All he had to do was step up to the lady behind the counter, state his name and number, and he would get a huge portion with protein-rich food that tasted like paper and ass.

At least it looked edible. On Saturdays they even went through the trouble of making the food look tasty.

It still tasted like ass though.

Still, he didn't complain about it. It was a huge improvement over the food he had eaten at BAaT that had looked downright toxic. He was pretty sure that food was never supposed to be blue unless it was Jell-O.

The food was also blessedly free of red sand since nobody at boot camp wanted their students to lift their spoons with their mind. That's how food fights broke out and finding out who started it was all the more difficult. You could never tell if the spoon levitating by your head was actually your doing after all.

Dinnertime was usually quite uneventful, which Kaidan liked. People were tired, hungry and just wanted to either crash at their rooms for some much needed sleep or write home to their family and loved ones.

This day was different though.

As he came into the mess, there was a tension in the room that Kaidan couldn't quite place his finger on. People were talking in a hushed tone, peering at one another, trying, and failing, not to look towards a group of people standing in line to get their food.

Kaidan looked at the group as well and he couldn't find anything out of the ordinary so he stood in line as well. It was then he noticed that three of the guys in the line were wearing different uniforms. The changes were subtle, barely noticeable since the colour was the same ugly shade of washed-out Marine blue. There was an extra dark stripe down their right sleeves and the bands of the sleeves, the necklines, and the hemlines of their shirts were the same dark colour.

They were from a different camp.

While that in itself was unusual, there was an aura to the guys that was a bit unsettling. He couldn't see their faces, but there was a tension in their shoulders and jaws, showing great restraint of something.

What it was, Kaidan didn't even want to guess. All he knew was that these were guys he didn't want to fuck with even on his best day.

The strangers quietly accepted the food as it was placed on their trays and together they walked to find an empty table as far away from the others as possible.

Kaidan said his name and number before his own food was served, and he walked over to the group of people he usually sat with.

"Who are they?"

One of the guys, a tall, blond guy named Jack, looked up from his food and towards Kaidan. "You haven't heard?"

Kaidan shook his head, stabbing a piece of "meat" with his fork. "I haven't heard anything about new recruits coming."

"They're not new recruits. They're from the boot camp in Old New York, part of some sort of observation program. They came today and are going to be here for a week."

Michael, a thin, short guy with a cleanly shaved head, snorted, shaking his head as he poked at his food. "First thing they did when they came to the firing range was sneer at everyone. Didn't say a damn word to us."

"Maybe they're just shy," Jack quipped, grinning while Kaidan shook his head and focused on his food. In all honesty, he didn't give two hoots about these strangers and he wasn't feeling particular curious either.

Jack and Michael continued to banter between themselves, making up different stories as to why three guys from a boot camp in Old New York came all the way toVancouverjust to make observations.

"Maybe they're here to steal ideas. I heard our simulation on hand-to-hand combat is the best on earth."

"Nah, I bet they're here as punishment. I hear the Old New York boot camp is rather shit so they send people here to drop a hint, yeah? Like, 'behave and you can come here instead', if you know what I mean."

"I wouldn't call that a punishment, Michael. Bet it's something else, something bigger. I doubt that they would send 'em three at a time if it was a punishment. They would send them alone."

"'ey, Alenko. Why do you think they're here?"

Kaidan shrugged his shoulder, though he looked up and gave Michael a smirk. "Maybe they're here to watch you sleep," he quipped, ignoring the nudge he got from his friend and let his eyes train back to something that had caught his eyes just five seconds earlier.

Or rather, someone.

He didn't know why, but one of the guys from the Old New York boot camp was watching him with the most intense, blue eyes Kaidan had ever seen in his entire life. But not for long. By the time Kaidan had returned his attention to the group, the guy had returned his own attention to his food.

Kaidan raised his eyebrow before shrugging his shoulders and returned to his food. He'd probably overheard them talking to one another about them.

It wasn't something he worried much about.

But it would be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Little Boy Blue:**

After three days, Kaidan was sure that the blue-eyed guy was stalking him. Either that or he was assigned to every god damned place he happened to be at.

He didn't look at only him, that much Kaidan was sure of. But when Kaidan was looking at him, the stranger seemed to be studying him.

This made Kaidan nervous. And when he was nervous, he fucked up more easily.

"God damn it, Alenko, where the hell is your head? You would have been dead out there," Michael barked, tugging off his helmet so he could give Kaidan a proper glare as they walked out of the simulator, breathing hard.

"I am sorry, okay? It's just… That guy makes me nervous. He keeps -staring-," Kaidan barked back, wiping away the sweat on his forehead, helmet already under his arm.

"Get over yourself, he is staring at everyone," Michael replied, his voice gruff. "That's what he's doing, observing. Like, it's why he's here."

"Who the hell is he anyway?" Kaidan asked, looking towards the stranger who was currently standing with his back to them. "Some kind of hot shot?"

"Don't know his full name, but I've heard the other two call him "John" so I am guessing that's his name. And yeah, think so," Michael replied, turning his focus on switching out the thermal clips in his gun. Kaidan joined him by the gun table, slowly picking his rifle apart.

"All three of them are apparently top students where they're from. They're finishing up basic training and are looking for options as to where they want to go and what they want to do. Or so I heard," Michael continued, cursing as the thermal clip refused to come out from his rifle.

"I call bullshit on that," Kaidan replied as he finished disassembling his rifle and started cleaning the parts. "We're at a boot camp just like they are. When we're done, we'll leave here just like they will leave ONY. There's nothing special here."

The thermal clip in Michael's rifle shot out from the back of it with a loud pop, hitting Michael's armoured chest. He just raised an eyebrow and picked it up, looking it over before he started talking again.

"We still have some better options though than ONY. We got people we can talk to, people that can recommend us so we can get where we want to go. Or rather, where we should go." He tossed the ruined thermal clip into a container with other faulty parts. "Maybe if they like it here, they will be here for a month or so, finish the training so they can get the right people to recommend them elsewhere."

"I don't buy it," Kaidan replied, hanging the rifle in its place after reassembling it.

"Do you buy anything, Alenko?" Michael quipped back, smirking at Kaidan who offered a smirk back before he moved towards the exit.

"I buy when I trust the price."

It was true though. His experiences at Jump Zero had left Kaidan with a rather unhealthy scepticism. He had a hard time trusting something, especially when it involved people and "observing." Heck, he had a hard enough time with trusting people in general, but that was something he was slowly working his way through.

More than once did he wish that someone would prove his scepticism wrong so he could get some peace of mind. Maybe he would actually learn to trust if he was shown that it was okay to be wrong about something from time to time.

Especially if he was wrong about something with a good outcome.

But it really didn't help that he could feel the stranger's eyes at the back of his neck as he left the room, making the faint remains of hair he had there rise.

xoxoxox

Leave was always welcome at the camp and just about everyone there went crazy when they were presented with it. Especially when it lasted for three days.

Some went home for the duration, others went to town for a much-needed release of steam and hormones.

Others, like Kaidan, stayed behind at camp because now it was quiet there for a change.

His parents had wanted for him to come home, to come with them to the orchard in the BC interior. Kaidan had politely declined, still needing a little time to just… find himself.

They had understood and his mother had promised to send him a small present as soon as they reached the orchard. Kaidan was willing to bet anything that it was another sweater.

Though there was one more reason as to why he had preferred staying behind besides having a moment to himself.

It was the only time he could actually have a moment to let himself go in privacy.

Kaidan wasn't exactly hiding who, or rather what he was, but he never used his biotic abilities in training. He knew what would happen then. He would be reduced to "the shield" or "the one that levitates stuff."

Still, he needed to unload some of it from time to time and he tried to do it as discreetly as he possibly could. He didn't want to risk an overload. He wasn't even sure if a biotic overload was possible, but it was one of the "warnings" they had given him at Jump Zero. It could just as easily have been something to scare the kids into submission, making them want to use their powers, but Kaidan wasn't about to take chances.

Especially since he had fewer migraines after unloading a little, just like he got more of them if he overdid it.

It was a hair-fine balance and Kaidan was still trying to find it.

He wasn't the only one that was remaining at the camp though. While the people he usually spent time with had left to see their families, there were still some familiar faces around, and two not-so-familiar ones.

On the fourth day, one of the students from ONY had left, having apparently not found what he was hoping for here inVancouver.

To Kaidan's annoyance, it was not the blue-eyed wonder that had left. And on day six of their one-week stay, said boy was still popping up where Kaidan was, always staring and never saying a word to him. Looking at him with a stare so intense that it was sending shivers down Kaidan's back.

It made him want to punch the guy in the face.

That or just take a biotic hold of his balls and squeeze until those damn eyes popped out of his skull.

It was probably just as good that he couldn't do that yet or he would have.

Inhaling softly, Kaidan took a quick look around himself before he entered the grand simulation hall. While it was no crime or even weird that students came here during off-hours, the hall was ready to be used at any time by anyone that was a part of the camp, Kaidan just wanted to make sure that the "hot shot" from ONY was not following him.

Once inside though he stopped, staring at the all-too-familiar character in front of him, watching as he prepared a rifle by the gun table.

His rifle.

"Excuse me, what are you doing?"

The blue-eyed guy looked up at Kaidan before finishing the preparations without even looking at the rifle. Then he tossed it towards Kaidan who caught it automatically.

"Suit up."

Kaidan just raised an eyebrow at the guy. "Huh?"

The guy turned his back to him and walked over to the lockers, pulling out two sets of armour. Then he looked back at Kaidan. "Suit up."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes some, just looking at the stranger. The guy stared right back, face unreadable, but there was something in his eyes that Kaidan just couldn't place his finger on. Then he started moving towards him, placing his rifle next to the locker before he started pulling off his shirt.

They didn't speak a word as they both changed out of their clothes and slipped into the armour. Kaidan noted that his current company had chosen a similar armour as he himself had; something light that was easy to move in.

"What's your level?"

Kaidan looked at the guy for a moment before he realised just what he was asking. "Depends on what my role is. I have just started level six."

"Out of ten?"

Kaidan nodded.

The guy gave a brief nod in return before he walked over to the control panel and started typing. "Which scenario do you hate?"

"What are you doing?" Kaidan stared at the guy, who stared right back, obviously waiting for Kaidan to answer his question. "I don't know, I… I am not that good on the Firebase," he ended up saying. The guy nodded and finished setting up what Kaidan guessed was a simulation, walking over to the entrance to it.

"Let's go."

"Wait, what the hell are you doing?" Kaidan was tempted to just aim his rifle at the ONY guy instead, but once again the guy just stared at Kaidan, face unreadable, patiently waiting for Kaidan to move his ass.

Which Kaidan, in the end, did because he just couldn't handle that staring. He tugged his helmet on and grabbed his rifle before more or less stomping into the simulation room.

As soon as he was inside, the blue-eyed annoyance closed the door behind them, letting the simulation start up with a brief countdown.

What happened next, Kaidan wasn't sure of. All he knew was that they were on the Firebase and they were higher than level six.

Simulated bullets started flying around his head and the only thing Kaidan could do was duck for cover, his shield already cracking from the intense pressure. His current partner seemed calm as day though, following Kaidan behind cover, but keeping up pressure with his own rifle.

Kaidan wasn't sure if he was to admire him or feel even more annoyed by it, butt the calm inspired him and he tried to gather himself enough to fight back.

Which he wasn't doing very well, but by God, he was trying.

The pressure was intense; the enemies kept on coming and bullets seemed to hail down over them from every direction without showing any signs of stopping. It was almost enjoyable. In the end, Kaidan let his mind simply do what he had intended to do in the first place, giving him his outlet.

This John was obviously a better shooter than he was, but he had his own tricks up his sleeves. Soon the enemies were hit by Kaidan's own biotic shots as he focused on putting out barriers, pushing the enemies back by simply tossing someone at whoever he could or levitating them into the air for his teammate to pick off.

He used every trick he had learned, picked up from BAaT, instruction movies or simply through trial and error. He was feeling a rather delicious burn go through his body and his brain as the adrenaline and the euphoria from using his abilities rushed through him, making him feel empowered.

He wasn't sure when the simulation ended or even if they won, but as soon as the simulated environment stopped blinking, Kaidan slumped down onto the floor, laying on his back and just breathed, staring up at the roof.

His body, especially his brain, was still humming with the intense surge of being powerful, making his fingers and toes tingle from the amount of biotic abilities he had used. It was both wonderful and terrifying.

He could hear that his partner sat down next to him, breathing hard as well.

"Not bad."

"W-what the hell was that?"

"Level nine Firebase, three-man simulation. Figured I'd go easy on you since I wasn't quite sure what your level was."

Kaidan let out a small snort before that snort turned into a tired chuckle. "… Go easy on me… Uhuh… Thanks."

"I should have cranked it up to level ten."

"I am rather glad that you didn't. That was… more than enough for me." Kaidan slowly eased the helmet off, letting it lay somewhere near his head while remaining lying on the ground. "Yup… Definitely more than enough."

"You did well."

"Thanks, but… That was just sheer panic."

The stranger chuckled softly and Kaidan felt himself relax some. At least the man wasn't completely made out of stone.

"John."

"Hmm?"

"My name. It's John."

Kaidan smiled some, closing his eyes as he inhaled deeply. "Kaidan. But we're a bit late on the whole introductions now, aren't we?"

"Hmmm. Maybe. I wouldn't know." John removed his own helmet and placed it next to him, looking down at his feet. "I am not the most social creature."

"That's okay," Kaidan replied, easing an arm under his head, trying his best to get the "power trip" out of his mind. He hadn't had an outlet like that in a long, long time. Not since…

He cut his thoughts before he started going down that trail. "Neither am I," he finished before he opened his eyes, looking up at John. "So… Care to explain why you tugged me with you like that?"

"You were a part of my test."

"Your test?" Kaidan pushed himself up onto a sitting position so he could see John better. "Okay, I think you need to run that one from the beginning, because I can't remember being told I was anyone's test."

"You weren't supposed to know. It would have… ruined things."

Kaidan just raised his eyebrow, keeping his eyes on John until it was his turn to give out under Kaidan's intense stare.

"Let me explain." John rubbed his fingers against the back of his neck, frowning some as he seemed to struggle with his words.

Kaidan waited patiently. He knew how hard it could be to voice himself, especially when under pressure.

"We were three, from the ONY boot camp," John finally started. "Recruits with… potential, as we were told. But we had our problems that we needed to fix before we could be given the chance for further, more advanced training." John glanced over at Kaidan, just looking at him for a second before he looked away again.

"My problem is co-operation. I… don't co-operate very well with others. With strangers or people I don't know very well." John bit his bottom lip, rolling it gently between his teeth before continuing.

"I was supposed to… Approach someone and try to co-operate with them. So I spent the last six days trying to find someone that I felt I could co-operate with despite not knowing them."

"I see." Kaidan wasn't quite sure what to make of that story. "So… why me?"

"Would you believe it if I said that it was a coincidence?"

"Not a chance."

John chuckled softly, letting a small smile appear on his thin, chapped lips. "I don't know… I just... took a chance. Decided on one group, watched the group work and from that group singled out the one I thought would fit me the best. Not quite in the way they wanted me to do it, but…" He shrugged his shoulders, fingers picking lightly at the barrel of his rifle. "I wasn't sure how to ask for something like that. I thought it might sound strange, coming from a stranger, but…"

He glanced over at Kaidan. "You surprised me though. I did not know that you were a biotic."

Of course. It was always the biotics.

Kaidan was willing to bet that if he hadn't used them, John would have called him a shitty soldier.

"Yeah, well… Don't go spreading it around. It's a secret."

John let out a small snort and shook his head, an amused smile playing on his lips. "Yeah, right… Fair enough."

Silence fell between them again before John finally got up, picking up his helmet as he did so. "I should head back. Thanks for the battle, Kaidan."

Kaidan nodded his head at John. "Thanks yourself. We made a pretty decent team. Make sure you tell your squad leader that."

John smiled back at Kaidan, nodding his head at him. "I'll do that."

Then he left, leaving Kaidan to his own thoughts. It let him think about what had just happened and what he could learn from this.

He'd been approached by a stranger, battled with him and had a conversation with him. And they both seemed to have expected little of the other, but somehow were able to give freely in return. Kaidan was still bugged by the fact that he couldn't wrap his head around this guy and his actions.

Maybe if he was a little more alert, a little more observant, he would have been able to.

Getting up from the floor, Kaidan walked over to the gun table to disassemble and clean his gun before reassembling it again so he could put it away.

He didn't see John again for the rest of the day.

The very next day, John and his camp mate left the boot camp and went back to Old New York.

Two months later John was just a memory that Kaidan took hold of from time to time to remind himself that trusting someone was not always a bad thing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Decisions:**

When Kaidan was made Sergeant and offered a commendation for his services during a routine mission gone wrong, nobody was prouder than Kaidan's father.

Kaidan was proud too, but he felt that getting a commendation for hacking a door shut so Batarian pirates couldn't come into a shuttle was a bit idiotic.

It had been Kaidan's first mission off-world and while it was a simple one, Kaidan had been excited.

He had worked hard for the chance, pushed himself constantly despite the growing pains from his implants. He had ignored them, pushed himself further, not willing to show that he was weak.

He could do this. He knew he could. And he had done it all without once using his biotic abilities in a mission or task.

When Kaidan was offered the spot, he had been a simple corporal; promoted mere two months after he had finished boot camp because of his dedication and, as his squad-leader had said, his stubbornness and integrity.

He had been transferred from the boot camp to the main military base in Vancouver thanks to a letter of recommendation from his staff sergeant. It was hard work and because he was just a corporal he got a lot of the shitty tasks, but he did it without complain. He would be rewarded in the end.

He had been there for seven months, loving every moment off it, feeling a sense of pride in what he was doing when the offer was made.

Now the work had finally paid off. He was going to get his chance to prove himself for real.

On the mission he had given, he was a part of a four-member squad, not counting the pilot. Amongst the three others, he was the youngest one and the one with the lowest rank, but he was still treated as one off them. They expected as much off him as they did off themselves.

It was just a routine mission, they said.

Just checking up on a colony that had been given some grief by space-pirates.

It would the first time Kaidan would see that routine usually meant anything but routine.

It would still take many missions before he learned that routine is never just routine.

The second they had entered the colonies atmosphere, their shuttle had been ambushed by Batarian space-pirates. They seemed to come out of nowhere and while their ships were small, they were fast and they were packing a good punch. By pressing up to the Alliance shuttle they were able to force them down to the ground, but that was all they could do as well.

When the Batarians started forcing the door open, Kaidan had jumped up and started counter-attacking their attempts until the system short-circuited itself. The three others had forced up gaps in the shuttle and started shooting, the shuttle was rocking from side to side from the pressure made by the Batarian shuttles.

It was a damn mess.

In the end, it was the colonist that saved their asses, coming with an ambush when they realised that the Batarians were pre-occupied with the Alliance shuttle.

"Amateurs," their captain had snorted, and Kaidan guessed that it was true. If they hadn't been fresh in the game, they probably would have gotten to them.

Now Kaidan was here, getting a commendation for quick thinking and a promotion while his three squad mates were watching and applauding him. He really felt he didn't deserve it, but heck. He wasn't about to complain either.

And hey, he had told them that it really hadn't been quick thinking that had driven him, but sheer panic and an intense wish of "I do not want those guys in here!" that made him hack that panel.

He gave a humble smile as the medal was pinned to his uniform before giving his Captain a salute, standing straight and proud with his hand almost pressing against his skull. Then he was ushered over to a chair to sit with other proud soldiers that had either received a commendation or a promotion or, in his case, both, listening to their Captain give a speech about the proud soldiers of the Alliance and the work they were doing.

Nothing Kaidan hadn't heard before so he kept sneaking glances down at the audience, smiling a little to himself as he watched how his father beamed next to his mother, who was busier drying her eyes with a blue handkerchief.

His mom and dad…

His dad was what he had always pictured a true alliance soldier and hero to be like, like the ones he used to read about in books when he was a kid. Tall, strong, dark hair and blue, steely eyes. A man you didn't mess around with.

His mother was smaller, shorter, with long, light-brown hair and brown, kind eyes. By all means no push-over despite her petite frame.

"Nobody can be married to an Alliance soldier without learning a few dirty tricks on how to tame them," she used to tell her friends and Kaidan supposed that was true. His dad was quite tame when around his mother.

People told him he took more after his father in appearance and now that he was older he could see it himself. The same dark hair, the same chin and mouth. The same height and build now that he was finally filling out a bit more.

The waves in his hair as well as his nose and eyes, those were more like his mother he was told.

The Captain finished his speech, snapping Kaidan out of his small train of thoughts before gesturing to the soldiers who had been promoted that day.

Kaidan had to get back up from his chair again, salute the Captain one more time before shaking his hand and then he was free to go to be congratulated by his fellow soldiers. At least until his mother got a hold of him, wrapping her arms around him before hugging him with the strength of a Krogan.

"Oh, Kaidan, I am so proud of you! Look at you! Sergeant Alenko!"

Kaidan smiled some before his father's arm was around his shoulder, giving him a shake and a squeeze. "Good job, son. Good job. I knew you had it in you. Only twenty-three and an Sergeant already!"

Kaidan gave his father an awkward smile, rubbing the back of his head. He was finally allowed to grow his hair back out again; he had stopped shaving it the day he had heard he was being promoted again. At least that was one perk he had looked forward to. Now he could stop looking like a face made up by huge eyebrows.

"It's not that big a deal, dad."

"Big a deal? I was twenty-five before I was promoted to Sergeant! This, son, is a huge deal and we will celebrate this!" The smile on the man's face was threatening to split his face in two and Kaidan knew he would never get away from whatever his dad had planned.

"Oh, Thomas, calm down a little. I am sure Kaidan wouldn't mind an easy day of rest," his mother replied, making Thomas snort.

"Nora, come on. This is a big day for our boy and it must be celebrated."

Kaidan held his hands up. "Actually, dad… I wouldn't mind taking it easy for at least a day. We can celebrate this week-end; I have a week-long pass that came with the promotion."

"Week-long?" Thomas raised his eyebrow. "That was generous."

Kaidan nodded, sticking his hands into his pockets. "Yeah. It's so they can figure out where to stick me come next week. So I have some home-work to do during my leave, which I… I hoped you could help me a little with, dad."

That seemed to make Thomas, if possible, even happier. "Ah, yes, of course, of course. Your choice in career. Not one to be taken lightly. Of course I will help you, Kaidan."

Kaidan just smiled, knowing that his father appreciated that his son had asked him this favour. He hadn't asked for a lot during his time in the army, wanting to do most things himself, to show that he could, but this… He wanted to give his father this.

It was the least he could do, after everything his parents had given him over the years.

xoxoxo

"So what have you thought about, Kaidan? Any ideas what so ever about which direction you would like to focus on?"

Kaidan took a small sip from his lager as he leaned against the railing, looking over EnglishBay. "A few, but it's hard to choose. I am serious when I am saying I want to make this my career, dad, but… I also have to think about what I like doing as well as what I am good at. And what is needed."

"If you are going to take all those things into consideration, Kaidan, then you will be thinking for a long, long time," Thomas replied, standing next to his son, one hand resting on the railing while the other held a cold lager of his own.

"What's important is that you take something you feel you can live with. No matter what you choose, there will be days when you will absolutely hate what you are doing, no matter how much you love it right now."

Kaidan nodded some, shifting his stance some. "Yeah… I suppose you are right on that, dad."

"Have you thought about-?" Thomas started, breaking of the sentence as he tapped his finger against his own forehead.

Kaidan looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. "No. Not an option, dad."

Thomas sighed some. "Kaidan… I am not going to force you to take something you don't want, but… it's been seven years since that accident. And you are a good biotic. A very talented one."

"Dad-"

Thomas lifted his hands. "Just listen to me, okay? I know you are afraid of what you did, but you were only fifteen. You were provoked and you had not been educated properly."

"Dad, I killed a man," Kaidan said, his tone a little harder than he intended. "Accidental or not, I killed him."

"Kaidan, take it easy," Thomas murmured, placing a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up, but you know better than anyone what happens if you bottle things up. And it is time to start thinking about letting things go. And no matter how much you hate your own abilities, they won't go away."

"I don't hate them, dad," Kaidan sighed, looking down at the bottle in his hands. The chilled glass was gathering dew on the surface thanks to the sun. The drops were running down the smooth surface and onto his hand, creating cold, wet spots.

"I just… I don't want to be defined as 'a biotic' by the Alliance or anyone else. I've made it this far without using my biotics once in combat or during missions, and I want to continue that way."

"I can understand that, son. Nobody wants to be labelled as anything, no matter if it's good or bad," Thomas murmured, giving Kaidan's shoulder another squeeze before he released him. "All I am saying is that you should not think of it as a liability. It is an asset, something you can use to give yourself an edge."

"I'll think about it, dad," Kaidan murmured, offering his father a small smile.

"That's all I ask, son. That's all I ask," Thomas replied, giving his son a proud smile in return. "Now… What have you been enjoying the most so far? What do you want to do?"

"Well…"


	5. Chapter 5

**Choices:**

Kaidan never regretted having that discussion with his father that night. Never regretted listening to his father's advice, arguing back and forward between what Kaidan felt was smart and what felt right.

It had taken most of the night and several Canadian lagers until they reached an answer and by then they were both tipsy, talking loudly outside on the balcony until Kaidan's mother had threatened to set the dog and the hose on them both.

He had been twenty-three then.

Now he was closing in on twenty-five, feeling just as young and inexperienced as he did back then. He wasn't as closed off anymore, learning to trust and to work with others, but he still wasn't the one that barked the loudest. He spoke when spoken too, always gave professional opinions and keeping personal ones to himself.

Nobody ever asked for personal opinions, at least not where he was.

Reliable they called him.

Reliable and smart.

At least that's what it stood on the paper.

This is why they welcomed him with open arms when Kaidan said that he wished to work with computers. Intel and tech to be precise.

Kaidan had always liked computers, enjoying the challenge of gathering intel, putting things together until it made sense. Noticing small details that just opened up endless information about something that in turn made things make a whole lot of sense.

That and he didn't have to work with people. At least not all the time.

Sure, computers could crash and information wasn't always true, but they were easier to fix and correct than people were.

Sometimes he would bring out the blue-eyed wonder from his time in boot camp, just to remind himself that there were skilled people out there, but many also seemed extremely taken with proving him that for every skilled man, there were at least five idiots standing in line behind them.

Still, Kaidan enjoyed his job. He was able to use his brain for something else than lifting glasses with water or creating shields around himself for protection. He also enjoyed the challenge.

So far he had only worked back on earth, being parts of observation-teams, keeping an eye on squads heading into missions. It was precise work, tense. He had to keep his eyes and ears with him at all times for anything and everything that could be off use. Even more so since he couldn't be there himself.

He was envious of that sometimes, but he knew that he was young, inexperienced. He would get his chances soon enough.

xoxoxox

"Alenko!"

Kaidan just about jumped out of his chair as he snapped to attention, quickly saluting the grey-haired Commander heading his way. "Sir."

The Commander gave him a nod in return before gesturing for Kaidan to follow him. Kaidan did, hoping he didn't look too confused as he followed the other man.

"I'm in need of a good intel-officer, Alenko," the Commander said as they walked, not even sparing Kaidan another look. "And I heard that you are good. One of the best on this base."

"I'm flattered, sir."

"I am not flattering you, Sergeant. I am stating what I've heard. What I want for you to do is confirm that information."

"If I can't do it, I will learn it, sir," Kaidan replied, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. He was wondering what the officer wanted and just what he had heard.

If it was one thing he had learned about himself over the last couple of years was that he hated being unprepared for something so being caught off-guard like this was like a nightmare.

"You better," the Commander replied, stopping by an open door and gestured for Kaidan to enter. Kaidan did, not looking back to see if the Commander was following him.

The room was huge, filled with huge computer screens, blinking lights and the sound of quick hands flying over the keyboards, typing. It was making his brain buzz.

"There have been several serious breeches in security discovered during the last week, Alenko," the Commander's gruff voice said, making Kaidan flitch ever so slightly when the Commander was suddenly next to him.

"Classified files have been tapped into, holes in the base has been discovered. We know someone here on base is a mole and we need to catch him now." The Commander stared at Kaidan, green eyes burning into Kaidan's own brown ones. "We need every quick thinker and intel-gatherer on this. We cannot afford another breech; several weapons, plans and secrets have already vanished. We have no idea how long this has been going on, we only discovered the breeches one week ago as mentioned."

"How serious, sir?"

"Serious enough, soldier. We've already gathered Lieutenant Nielsen, chief of intel on the "Maiden", SergeantBrooks and Lieutenant Ammeson and put them on the case, but there is a lot of vids and intel to go through. We need young, capable hands and they told me you are damn fast. The record-holder of intel-gathering on the M-75-X5 simulator at the hardest level."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, knowing better than to play modest with a Commander of this calibre.

"Then get to it and show me that you have earned that record," the Commander said, jerking his head towards the rest of the group.

Kaidan nodded and quickly took a free seat, starting up the computer. The three others mere nodded before giving him his share of the intel to go through, which was no small amount.

The Commander started to bark out some orders, making Kaidan freeze in his chair until he realised he was talking over the com-system. He was already having a hard time starting; the amount of intel and information was simply overwhelming.

This was completely new on him. He had done easy missions in the past with almost obvious solutions once you had gathered enough information, but this… He had nothing to go on, no clues and hints. He glanced to his side, watching how the others were working with what he thought was lightning speed.

Taking a deep breath, Kaidan closed his eyes and simply focused his mind. He could do this. This was what he was doing for a living and he was damn good at it too.

So he simply started.

The others had been kind enough to toss him their findings so he could catch up, but he knew that if he was to get his brain into this, he had to start at a place that suited him. Which was starting from the beginning.

His fingers slowly tapped over the keyboard at the start as he read over the different breeches in security, searching and finding patterns, connecting the dots; situations, names, areas. He started picking up speed, his eyes flying over the two screens he had at his disposal along with his hands as he sorted through the information. He was slower than the others, but he was thorough. Neat.

He tried not to think, only to do. He found that if he started thinking then he started overanalysing. And that was not a good thing in any situation.

Kaidan also knew that he was good at gathering information, getting the same sort of surge as when he used his biotics. Using his brain, moving and piecing together information, feeling the adrenaline pump when he felt he was getting closer to an answer.

It was a rush, a high; almost like when he used red sand at BAaT, but without the downtime and paranoia once the rush was over.

The room was filled with the sound of fingers tapping buttons, the occasional sound as the vids played off records and the Commander barking out orders, both at them and through the com-system.

Food was served along with coffee and bottled water, but nobody actually ate anything until the sounds from their stomachs sounded over the taps of buttons or when their bladders threatened to burst from the amount of coffee they consumed.

Hours passed as Kaidan and his fellow officers worked, tossing intel and suggestions back and forward as they tried to piece together their findings.

The amount of lights and sharp beeps were slowly getting to Kaidan, feeling the familiar throbs of pain at the back of his neck as a migraine was slowly crawling its way to the front of his skull. He'd already taken two pills for the head-aches while working; he'd hate to take more so soon.

The information so far as mind-boggling and Kaidan wasn't all that sure if they had made any ground-breaking discoveries, even if they had made progress.

After looking through all the time-sheets, the vids and sound-files connected to the time of the different breeches, they had discovered that the same card and codes had been used to get access to the different areas and systems. The card and codes had been reported stolen over a month ago by a lieutenant on the base and had been filed as disabled and deleted to prevent abuse. This was not a grand discovery; everyone at security had already been talked to and cleared, at least in theory.

According to files, every member of the security teams had been accounted for at the times of the breeches as well.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead as he tried to compare the duty-rosters together at the time of the different breeches, trying to find a pattern. His stomach was grumbling, he was feeling tired and sore, but he was also stubborn and unwilling to leave his post just yet. He felt that he was onto something, that there was something he was supposed to see, but just couldn't grasp.

"Hey."

Kaidan looked up, meeting the eyes of a slightly concerned looking Lieutenant Nielsen. "What?"

"You don't look so good, Alenko. You should take five, go get something to eat. Rest your head for a moment; you've been at this since you got her twelve hours ago."

"It's been twelve hours already?"

Nielsen smirked. "Time flies when you're having fun," he mused before nodding his head towards the door. "Take five. You're the only one who hasn't lifted his ass out of the chair since we started. You're making the rest of us look bad here."

"I am sorry," Kaidan murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. "Just got a little caught up."

"I'm glad to see you that eager, but right now you are balancing on a very thin line between great work and shit work. Get your balance back by eating something."

"Yeah… Yeah, okay." Kaidan nodded and moved towards the door, grabbing a bottle of water and two protein bars from the table behind them before leaving the room. He could feel how stiff his legs were from sitting still for so long and it felt good to just move around.

Ripping the paper off one of the bars, Kaidan bit into the white-coloured mass, biting off a chunk and chewing.

Three years in the military and the bars still tasted like ass. The worse part was that he was getting used to it.

Locating a bench, Kaidan sat down onto it, leaving the bottle resting against his thigh as he continued to munch on the bar, just letting his mind clear up now that he was away from the computers.

He blew some air upwards, trying to remove some of the hair that was starting to hang down over his forehead, just barely entering his line of vision. Seemed like it was time for another haircut.

That or start slicking his hair backwards because right now his hair was just a thick mop of slight waves and annoyance.

Still, it was better than being all big, dark eyebrows.

Sighing some, Kaidan popped the rest of the bar into his mouth before sticking the wrappings into his pocket, slowly chewing on the toffee-like mass while trying to clear his mind.

This was nothing like the intel-gathering on the field. The pressure was different, the variables… In the field, Kaidan knew exactly what to look for and where to gather it, even if he was stuck on a base on earth, looking through the eyes of a combat-drone or vid-com. Here… Here he had the complete opposite. He had what he was looking for, but he didn't know where the hell to connect it.

He had to find the origin, not the result.

With a small groan, Kaidan leaned back against the back of the bench, letting his head drop as far as he could backwards. He stared up at the white roof, trying his hardest not to think about solution, only gathering what he already knew.

A high-ranking officer's pass and ID was being used, and the owner of the said ID and pass had reported it stolen over a month ago. It was said that the codes and clearance of the cards had been removed and, according to the files, that was accurate.

The officer who had removed the clearance had been questioned and cleared as well as having an alibi for every time that the card had been used.

There was no clear footage of the culprit, the one "clear" shot they had only showed the person from behind, but that was all. They had no estimate of the person's height, proper build or even gender or hair. The culprit had been smart enough to dress in a neutral uniform that hid most features as well as the officer-hat to hide his or her hair.

The person only struck when there was a camera black-out, which told them that the culprit either had help or was the cause of the black-outs, but they had yet to find the origin of the black-outs. Every it happened, security had been quick to get to the scene, only to find that everything was working fine. No fried circuits, hacked programs or cut wires.

Only the highest military plans had been downloaded from the computers, five plans in total, though one of every third shipment of weapons to and from earth had been raided while the weapons were still in the cargo-shuttle.

Kaidan frowned, feeling a throb against his left temple. He carefully pressed his fingers against the spot, rubbing it.

It being an inside job… it seemed too obvious to him. Too easy an answer.

Kaidan was in no way thinking that the Alliance were "too good" for anyone to be corrupted; corruption could happen to anyone anywhere.

It was the way everything had gone down that left him with a feeling of a brilliantly crafted outside job, possibly with inside help.

Though while an officers uniform was easy enough to fake, especially if the culprit had somehow managed to get that high-clearance ID and access cards, it was the ID and access cards that was bothering Kaidan.

Even if a fake card and a fake clearance had been made, using the name of an already exciting officer, especially one that had already reported it as stolen, was downright dumb. It was a miracle in itself that it hadn't been discovered, which strengthened Kaidan's feeling on inside help.

How. Just how.

Kaidan let out a grunt of frustration. He could understand that the Alliance didn't want to involve the police; there were big secrets on the loose, but damn it. He wasn't a detective. He had no knowledge on how to solve this. His job was to gather intel and information, not solve mysteries.

Unscrewing the bottle with water, Kaidan took a deep gulp from it, some of the water escaping the opening and trickling down his chin and neck. The cool liquid felt good on his skin and for a moment he considered just dumping the contents of the bottle over his head.

That almost became a reality as his omnitool let out an insistent alarm, alerting him about an incoming message, resulting in him almost choking on the water as it went down his windpipe.

Coughing hard, Kaidan barely managed to open the message before letting out something that sounded like half a squeak, half a curse.

Another file had been leaked.

Shit.


	6. Chapter 6

**Revelations:**

Kaidan couldn't remember the last time he'd been this frustrated.

The group had been working non-stop since the start, but the strain was beginning to show on them all. Almost a week into their private investigation had left them with a big fat nothing to show for, something the Commander was happy to let them know by yelling at them to "get their fingers out of their asses and get something done".

While not directly motivating for none of them, it was their own work that left them with a sense of both misery and failure.

Especially for Kaidan.

He really didn't mind the yelling that much, he was well used to that, being a junior officer and all. It seemed to be part of the job-description for higher ranking officers at times.

No, it was the fact that he just didn't -get- what the hell he was doing.

He had gathered a lot of intel, looked at everything they had and after a few brain-storms between them he had even located a few things they hadn't even thought about, but so far they hadn't found a common link between any of the thefts.

What was worse was that, and that felt like a personal blow to Kaidan's ego, there had been one more theft since he started on the investigations along with the other officers.

Kaidan Alenko had never been a quitter and by God, he was not about to start now.

But that didn't mean he couldn't silently bitch and moan about it while working. And by God, he was. If his mother had been near, and could read minds, she would have washed his brain out with soap.

Thirteen hours into his latest 'shift' and all Kaidan really wanted to do was to slam his forehead against the keyboard in front of him and let out a groan. With his luck, his forehead would probably find out more than his brain and fingers had so far.

That and his damn hair kept falling into his eyes, tickling his brow and eyelids, adding just another level of annoyance to everything. He made a mental note at the back of his mind about getting a hair-cut at some point.

"Okay, okay, has anyone checked time-stamp for that last heist," Lieutenant Ammeson asked, his voice gruff, obviously annoyed and just about eating the cigarette between his lips.

"About five times," Brooks replied, the young woman looked as annoyed as Kaidan felt. "And before you ask, no cameras around the area have managed to capture the culprit. They were all offline in that section."

"Fuck me. What about the security, have we-"

"Yes, we have the damn updated lists," Nielsen replied, the blond-haired man looking ready to bite someone. "And I've checked them three times in the last hour. And I am waiting for the damn duty-roster for section B."

"What the hell is taking them so damn long," Kaidan grunted, fingers flying over the keyboard as he sent over some documents to Ammeson. "Here's the updated list on every person who's clocked in and out around the time of the theft as well as every soul on duty. And the stolen access-card hasn't been used at all except to get access on the computers at the time of the thefts."

Ammeson let out a groan while continuing to work, comparing the timestamps against the people on and off duty in that section. "I don't understand this. How is the asshole doing it? Getting inside, and then getting the cameras offline, getting the intel and getting out. Who or what the hell are we overlooking?"

Kaidan just let out a grunt, looking over the times of the black-outs in the different areas. He was starting to know the numbers by heart now, having looked at them so many times. They were starting to annoy him now. "Maybe he or she's mastered the ability to teleport."

"Don't get an attitude, Alenko," Ammeson growled, running his fingers through his own short, dark hair.

"Sorry, sir," Kaidan replied, biting down hard to prevent himself from making another remark and just went back to focusing on his work. He was about to close down the document and open the list of security personnel when he spotted something he hadn't noticed earlier. He squinted some as he read over the discovery again, just in case he was misreading something, before a small light-bulb went off in his head. It was a small shot, just a hunch really, but it was more than what they'd had in the last forty-eight hours.

"Lieutenant Ammeson, sir?" he said, looking over at the man. "Do you have the time-charts for the server resets?"

Ammeson raised an eyebrow before nodding at Kaidan, sending over the documents. "Sure, Alenko. But we've already looked at those documents and compared them to the black-outs. They happen all the damn time. What are you hoping to find?"

"I don't know yet," Kaidan replied, opening the documents before scanning over the different times and personnel on the list. "But with some luck, we might be getting a breakthrough."

He quickly put the black-out list up against the list with the server resets, his finger marking out the times when the black-outs happened and comparing them with the resets, then with the names.

When he got the first matching times, he believed it to be a coincidence, too afraid to hope for a breakthrough.

When the second matching times clocked in, he felt a small seed of hope appear in his stomach.

By the time the fifth matching time appeared, he was all but grinning.

"Oh, this guy is good…"

"What? What did you find?" Ammeson quickly got up from his chair and walked over to Kaidan, looking over his shoulder along with Brooks and Nielsen.

"Look at this," Kaidan said, pointing to the different times. "Every time a black-out happened, it's been happening with a server update and reset. A scheduled reset. And it's the same technician that's been handling the resets, a corporal John Evans."

"Updates and resets happen all the time," Nielsen said, frowning some.

"Yes, we never get told about them until the day they are scheduled," Kaidan said, quickly arranging the times so they were matching better. "And even if our systems get updated, the cameras are not supposed to be affected by it unless it's the security-system that is updated and if that system is updated, we have the back-up system running. But look here," he added, pointing to the times. "Here the cameras gets blacked out, they remain blacked out for like a minute, not even that, before they go back online. He has like a full minute before a server reset and update is made, leaving him plenty of time to get the intel before the computers and systems are shut down for the resets. The technician responsible is hiding and covering up the black-outs when resetting the systems! He's simply been deleting the camera black-outs, and since the servers and system is updated, nobody notices that the intel is missing until much later. He's the one that's doing it."

Ammeson frowned as he looked closer at the numbers. "Fuck me, you're right. He's hiding the damn black-outs with the resets. That's ingenious. No wonder we couldn't find the damn cause of the black-outs, he's been deleting the damn information about it."

"But how could he get the black-outs going, get the intel and then get back to restart and update the system?" Brooks asked, looking at Kaidan.

"He's not," Kaidan said, frowning some. "He's never left his post according to security. But he's probably been feeding the real culprit the times for when the resets happen."

He looked at Ammeson. "He's a mole. He's probably been able to get the intel for the cards and got the culprit a uniform as well. The only thing our culprit has to do is wander in during the resets, get to the correct computers and walk back out."

"That's so damn simple that I want to beat myself up for not seeing it sooner," Nielsen growled, actually slapping his hand over his face.

"Sometimes we ignore the simple things because we always want to tackle the hard stuff," Kaidan said, leaning back against the chair as the numbers glowed towards him. "Sometimes the easiest way really is the best way."

Ammeson nodded, having already pushed himself away from Kaidan's chair so he could call up the Commander. "Easy, but yet complicated. Guy's smart, I'll give him that."

"They both are. And hopefully one will lead us to the other," Kaidan replied, watching as all the numbers and facts started linking together on the screen, unable to hold back the satisfying grin from his face as everything seemed to match.

Neither did the Commander as he too got a chance to see the numbers as they added up half an hour later, giving Kaidan's shoulder a firm pat and a shake.

"Well done, son, well done!" he said with a look of smug satisfaction on his face.

"Sir, they've taken in Evans for interrogation," Ammeson said as he got off the main-com channel, looking towards the Commander. "They said he just about broke down and fessed up the second he was in the interrogation room. They said it was Sergeant Waldrell that was the main guy behind this."

The Commander frowned. "Wasn't he the guy that was fired for accepting bribes?"

"Yes, sir," Ammeson confirmed. "The very same guy. They're searching him as we speak."

"Good, good, let me know the second they catch the bastard," the Commander replied, straightening up. He gave the four intel-gatherers a look before giving them a firm nod. "I'm proud off you, men. All off you. You gave it your best and you caught the bastard. It took it's time, but you didn't give up. For that, the Alliance salutes you."

The four of them grinned at each other before the Commander nodded his head towards the door. "Now get out of here. You've been holed up in this damn office long enough. Catch yourself some rest, take the rest of the day off."

"Yes, sir!"

Kaidan happily got up from the chair, stretching his body out and even feeling the bones crack back into place from sitting for so damn long. Then he laughed as Nielsen wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder, letting out a cheer. "You did it, you bastard! You nailed him!"

"We nailed him," Kaidan corrected while Ammeson just slapped him on the back.

"Don't sell yourself short, Alenko, you were the one that found the link! Damn good job there!"

"Any one of us would have been able to see it, I just happened to have the intel at the moment," the biotic protested, but he knew that it was no point in protesting. Besides, it wasn't like they were mocking him for his achievement, they were genuinely proud off him.

And that was good enough for him.

"Come on, let's grab a beer tonight! My treat," Nielsen said, his voice eager, giving Kaidan's shoulders a squeeze before releasing him.

"Hell yeah, I'm game! Just need to grab a bite and a shower," Brooks said, grinning widely after giving Kaidan's shoulder a pat. "You're coming too, right?" she asked, looking over at Kaidan.

Kaidan hesitated for a moment before smiling, nodding his head in confirmation. "Yeah… Yeah, I'll come with." At least for as long as his head would allow it.

"Great, man! This is in your honour after all," Nielsen said, winking at Kaidan.

Kaidan just nodded his head at the trio before watching as they left.

To his honour… Kaidan had never had anything made in his honour before and while he still felt that it was an achievement made as a team, it still felt good that they appreciated his work, even if it was his ego that had taken over at the final hours.

Hell, it felt damn good to know that all his hard work was bearing fruits.

Blinking his eyes, Kaidan looked up as some of his hair came dangling over his forehead again, tickling his brow. He blew some air up in an attempt to get it out of his eyes.

Yup… Definitely time to get a haircut. Or at least get the damn fringes out of his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Dates:**

Even when he entered the age of twenty-six, Kaidan had never been one for dates.

Sure, the companionship of a nice girl or even a nice bloke was welcome, but he knew that he wasn't ready for anything serious. He had too many unresolved issues for that.

That and he were focusing on his career, wanting to make something good for himself before he could think in those directions. It had been a while since he'd thought about the books he'd read as a kid, where the hero travelled to space, fought the bad guys and got the girl.

When he was made Staff Sergeant at twenty-five, he was thinking about taking a more serious direction with his work. While the work he did as an intel-officer was enjoyable, rewarding and presented him with a lot of interesting challenges to his mind, it was the computer-screen itself that finally was the deciding factor. With age, he found, his eyes got more sensitive. While still young, the many hours in front of the computer every damn day were killer on his eyes and in turn, killer on his head. After a check-up with his doctor to adjust the amount of pain-meds he needed, he was recommended to finally switch his profession.

Kaidan, in truth, didn't mind a whole lot. He did want to do something else, something more physical, getting his hands dirty so to speak, and after a lot of consideration, he had decided to opt for more field-work. He wanted to become a Marine.

With the decision came more hard work and while he still flat out refused to have his implants replaced, he had started to use his biotics a little more. Not much, usually only to protect his squad mates. He still wanted to show that he was more than just a biotic; he doubted that desire would ever change.

All in all, his focus on work left him with little to no interest in actually dating someone.

Still, when colleagues asked him out for lunch or dinner every once in a while, Kaidan usually said yes if he had the time to spare. Half the time he didn't know he was being asked out for a date, having about the same romantic radars as a desert rock.

That, according to one of his dates, had been half the charm.

The times he did realise that it was a date, it was usually a little awkward.

Nice, but awkward.

One the very rare occasions when he and his date ended up drunk and ended up sleeping together it was even more awkward, but so far he had managed to not hurt anyone with his denseness when it came to relationships. That and he usually had enough sense not to get so hammered that he started thinking with the wrong head.

At least most of the time.

Soldier or not, he was a man and he did have needs.

He just usually suppressed them.

More importantly, one-night stands were not to his tastes, finding little to no satisfaction in it. His wild years after BAaT had left him with a serious distaste for it when thinking back on all the stupid mistakes that he had done.

He was no longer that messed up kid.

As he had grown older, he had been able to wrap a tight fist of control around himself, priding himself in being able to be in control most of the time. Maybe as he continued to grow older, become more experienced, his control would become better.

Both on the field and in his private life.

Despite all his flaws when it came to dealing with people and relationships on a more intimate level, Kaidan still found himself dating a rather pretty young woman named Lisbeth from the security office at his work-base for a period of time.

Blond, blue-eyed, taller than he was and with a wit as sharp as her combat-reflexes. Beautiful too, but not in a model-sense beautiful. It was a more natural beauty to her that Kaidan found that he liked, the same beauty that Rahna had been blessed with.

She was funny too, more raunchy than most of the men at the base, and while well-spoken and patient, she had the mouth of a drunken old space-pirate at times.

Despite all of those things, Kaidan still felt completely at a loss every time they went out together, not feeling the vibe with her. At least not the right kind. She was attractive, but he just wasn't attracted to her.

He thought he was, at the very start, but he slowly found out that there was a difference between being attracted to someone and just wanting to have fun with someone without thinking about work.

Somehow, and he wasn't sure when or how it happened, he had started viewing her more as a good friend rather than his girlfriend.

Three months into their relationship, and at least a dozen mental arguments with himself, Kaidan decided to come clean with her before their relationship really took a more serious turn. They were both busy with work and only saw each other once or twice a week. Spending the night together had not been brought up and Kaidan was actually a bit glad for that.

Problem was he wasn't sure how to best end it without hurting her feelings. He had tried to make up a list in his head to make sure that she understood that it was all him, not her. Hell, he had even practiced in front of a mirror for one hour once he had decided on what to say. At one point he had even considered just writing her an e-mail before he decided that no, he was not that big of a wimp. He was an alliance soldier, damn it; Staff Sergeant and training to become a Marine. If he couldn't be up front with a woman, then how could he expect to handle the enemy?

When he was sure of himself, he called Lisbeth up and asked her out, making sure to let her know that he needed to talk to her about something important. If she figured out that he was about to end their relationship, Kaidan couldn't hear it in her voice as she accepted his invitation.

In a way, that made him even more nervous.

They agreed to meet at a small restaurant outside the Alliance Navy base area; a place Kaidan knew served great Thai-food.

Lisbeth was already waiting outside when Kaidan came, smiling brightly at him. Her long hair was tied up into a messy bun and Kaidan had to admire just how well she made the blue navy-security slacks look. Even when coming straight from work she looked lovely and yet he couldn't summon up any sort of desire for her.

If anything, it made him even more certain that ever that he was doing the right thing.

"Kaidan, just in time, as always. Not a minute too soon or a minute too late," she said cheerfully, hugging Kaidan close before kissing his cheek. "Come on, I skipped lunch today and I am ready to just order everything on the menu!"

He smiled softly as she walked into the restaurant, already talking about some idiot she'd been forced to put in cuffs because he was trying to get "cute with her".

"He really thought that he being some sort of hot-shot in the electronics business was going to make me beg him to go out with him, but he wasn't so hot when he was bend over my desk and cuffed," she grinned while sitting down by a free table at the back of the restaurant.

"I don't know, he could have found it totally hot that he'd met a woman that could dominate him," Kaidan smirked while handing her a menu.

"He wouldn't have found me very hot when I made good of my threat to shove a gun-clip up his ass," Lisbeth replied with a smirk, making Kaidan laugh.

"There are a lot of weird fetishes out there," he mused back, smirking at Lisbeth who just attempted to swat Kaidan with her menu.

After deciding on their meals, Kaidan going with a noodle-dish and Lisbeth choosing a beef dish with fried rice and shrimps with French fry on the side for them to share, they just started talking about their day. That was how it usually went, Kaidan realised. They never really talked about them, they just talked. About everything and nothing, and while it was nice and he felt comfortable, it was hardly groundbreaking when it came to developing their relationship.

When the food came, they started digging in while talking about the new developments in council space, Lisbeth expressing her desire to go there while Kaidan stated that he just wanted to go into space and serve.

"Well," Lisbeth said, pointing her fork at him while smirking. "You've been working hard lately, Alenko, so you might get that dream come true sooner than you think. You just need to gain a little more weight on you, marine."

"Hey, I'm big enough," Kaidan protested.

Lisbeth just grinned at him, sticking a French fry into her mouth. "And yet I can still take you on when we arm-wrestle."

Kaidan snorted some before he realised that he'd been playing with his noodles for the last five minutes. He didn't want to put it off anymore; it was gnawing too badly on his brain.

He inhaled deeply before looking up at Lisbeth. "Lisbeth… I hate to bring this up while we eat and put a killer on the mood, but…"

Lisbeth looked at him for a moment before reaching out and gently touching his hand. The happy glow in her eyes was replaced with worry now. "Kaidan… Is everything alright?" She tried to offer him a smile. "You did say you wanted to talk so…"

"I am sorry," Kaidan said, swallowing some. "I just… This…" He let out a small sigh before looking down. "… This isn't working out for me."

"You were the one that wanted Thai, Kaidan."

"No, no, I mean us. Our relationship," Kaidan replied, removing his hand from Lisbeth's, using it to rub his face before he held it over his mouth, breathing out hard. "I just… I am sorry, but I just… I don't have the right feelings for you. You are great, Lisbeth, you are, but I am just not feeling it. And it's…" He let out a bitter laugh.

"This is like the oldest excuse in the world, heck in the galaxy, but… It really is not you. It is me." He placed the hand over his forehead, shaking his head some as he tried to get his thoughts straight. "I mean, I am here on a date with a lovely woman and I just… I am enjoying myself, but I am enjoying myself in the wrong way, if that makes any sense. Clearly it is me that is lacking -something- here."

He gave her an apologetic look and he honestly felt like a douche bag for not being able to like her in a way she deserved, especially since she was taking the time to date him. "I mean… I am not the most open person and I figured I was just being careful. Slow even. So I just wanted to see if I would get better, if my feelings would change, but I just…" He sighed softly. "I… I want to like you. I do like you, but… I think that we should stay as friends, Lisbeth."

"Oh, thank god."

Kaidan looked up, staring at Lisbeth as she just grinned back at him. "Eh?"

She just reached out and gently placed her hand over Kaidan's again, squeezing it. "I feel the same way, Kaidan. I like you, you are great. Amazing. Kind and supportive. Adorable in your own dorky way."

When Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, she just grinned even more. "A good, dorky way. And while I like you, I really do, there is something… lacking between us. The right kind of chemistry. I feel like I am going out with my best friend, not my boyfriend."

"So… You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad, Kaidan? You are being honest with me and that is something I appreciate. And even though you just did make the oldest excuse in the galaxy, I believe you since its coming from you. But I will also add that it's not you. I think it's both of us. We… just don't have those feelings. Shit happens. And hey, you were not the only one who was being slow, I haven't exactly said anything about it myself, now, have I."

She smiled and released Kaidan's hand with a shrug of her shoulders before looking at him. "But… I would really like for us to remain friends. If you are okay with that. I mean, I understand it if it'll be awkward for you and-"

"No, no," Kaidan interrupted, shaking his head some as he gave her a wide smile. "No, I… I would love to remain as your friend, Lisbeth. I have a great time with you when we're together."

Lisbeth gave Kaidan a wide, beautiful smile in return, making him smile even wider back at her. "Really?"

"Really," he confirmed before letting the wide, happy smile turn more impish. "I need to have someone to carry my bags for me since I apparently am not big enough to be a marine."

Lisbeth just grinned at Kaidan and flicked a piece of French fry in his direction. "You wish, Alenko. You can carry your own damn bags."

Kaidan just chuckled before returning to his food with a new-found appetite, finally able to enjoy his food again as the casual conversation started up again. He found that he enjoyed the conversation between them a heck of a lot more now that he was able to relax and not think about being a good boyfriend. Now he could focus on being a friend instead.

"So, did you hear about that soldier who single-handedly managed to defend his entire squad on Elysium?" she said instead, the straw from her soda halfway inside her mouth and a bit of French fry at the corner of her mouth. "John… John Shu-something."

"Shepard," Kaidan said, offering his napkin to her while indicating with his finger where the fry was. "John Shepard. And yeah, I heard. Guy must be a real piece of work, managing to battle Batarians singlehandedly. Those guys aren't exactly cuddly puppies."

Lisbeth just laughed. "I am sure that he had some help, but still! I heard he's real young and really climbing the ladder towards officer. A combat genius, a natural on the battleground. Able to make snap decisions and taking the tough choices. Heard that his work on Elysium earned him an offer to join the N7's."

"Sounds like you're in love already."

"Well, you don't want me so I have to set my sights on someone else. Maybe I'll try someone my own height this time."

"Ouch."

Lisbeth just gave Kaidan a downright wicked grin as she continued to eat, rambling on about her work and her day as well as the week-end she was planning with her sister while Kaidan himself just nodded and listened, stealing French-fries from the small bowl and getting his hand swatted for it.

He absolutely loved it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Soldier-Boy:**

No matter how many times Kaidan went into space, he was always fascinated every time he did it. There were simply so many things to see, people to talk to.

And they did talk to a lot of people, alien and human alike.

Kaidan wasn't fuzzed, the universal translators equipped under his skin, just above his ears, helped in understanding their tongue. It didn't matter to him who he worked with, he happily co-operated with whoever he was told to work with.

He liked working with Asaris', at least those who didn't mind working with him. Some frowned over the thought of a human biotic since their skills were "created", not something that was natural to their kind like the Asaris' abilities were.

Others were fascinated by him and his abilities as well as the natural strength to his biotics, telling him that he was rivalling many of the best users in the Asari military. He didn't know how strong the Asari Commandos were, but being compared to the best there was easily understood as a big compliment.

He was still a passive user of biotics, though he was growing more and more used to using them for more practical things. Like adding that extra push during heavy lifting, bringing weapons closer to his squad while under heavy fire without risking being shot while doing so, or just shielding himself and his comrades when their own shields gave out. He was still very much a hesitant user though, refusing to be dependant on his biotics to do his every need. It was an edge, a last resort.

He didn't want to be relying on them because there would be times when he couldn't give that shield or have the capacity to use his biotics to send his squad-mates a gun when their own overheated.

Still, he was used to working with very capable people now; people that held their own ground, skilled in different ways. People who trusted their own skills as much as they trusted their team-mates' skills. People that Kaidan admired and respected in more ways than one because of their dedication to their field and skills.

Kaidan himself still felt more like a wild-card, having yet to find something that was truly tickling his interests as well as satisfying him on a mental as well as physical level. Being a Marine and a foot-soldier was all well and good, but having something extra was always good. Like with his biotics, it would give him that extra edge.

Ever since he stopped his profession as an intel-gatherer, he'd picked up new skills here and there. He'd served for nine years now, steadily climbing the ranks of officer, having been promoted to second lieutenant a few months earlier.

He was called a "jack of all trades" by his squad-mates, knowing a fair amount of most things. He'd taken a year to study field-medicine after he gained enough experience as a Marine, feeling that it was needed after he'd been part of a mission that almost cost the squad their team-leader when he was by a bullet to the abdomen.

After that Kaidan started studying engineering so he was capable of doing light field-repairs to weapons and machines while under heavy fire, having experienced first hand how much it downright -sucked- when equipment broke down.

Now he was working on shuttle and ship-flight so he could serve as a co-pilot. Mostly he kept his eyes on the radar and signals, doing very little actual flying, but he had the basic knowledge needed for take-off, landing and flight. He was hardly capable of fast, smooth flying, emergency landing or evasive manoeuvres.

He had seen and worked with many talented people while he worked on his flight-degree, though the one that stood out the most was a young pilot named Jeff Moerau, nicknamed Joker. A rather cheerful man and one of the best, if not the best pilot Kaidan had ever seen. The fact that he suffered brittle-bone disease just made him all the more impressive and Kaidan had to admire the strength and downright stubborn nature Joker showed by winning over his disease. It wasn't slowing him down in the slightest and while Joker was more than happy to brag about his accomplishments, annoying some people to no end with them, Kaidan knew that he had more than earned that right.

Joker wasn't just blowing hot air. He simply was that good and Kaidan was lucky that he was able to train with the pilot, learning as much from watching him as he was from the instructors.

He also felt inspired by Joker, feeling that if Joker could handle the challenges tossed his way with his disease, then Kaidan could handle his own migraines.

Though it was easy to think it and a lot harder to actually do something about it, especially when it felt like someone had stuffed a rampaging Krogan into his head and it was now bashing its way out.

That was the downside of being a co-pilot, Kaidan figured. A lot of noise and a lot of bright, flashing lights in different colours, blinking all around him. Most of the time it went okay. Maybe as much as ninety percent of the time. But the remaining ten… He could bite himself through it long enough to request for someone to take over and wait until the person actually got there, at least during simulations. Thank god for good, long simulations to check not only reflexes, but also durability.

It was probably one of many small things that would ensure that Kaidan would never ever be able to be a shuttle-pilot. His sensitivity to light and noise, as well as the itch he seemed to get whenever he remained still for too long.

Not that he minded. He preferred being a Marine, being out there and getting his hands dirty.

Like father like son, he figured. His father was a Marine as well, a soldier. Even when his dad was at home he always seemed to do something, be it minor repairs or upgrades to the house, working on banged up cars or just tending to the garden. Heck, at times it seemed like he did most of the housework as well, which frustrated Kaidan's mom to no end. "There's nothing left here for me to do," she would say, but Kaidan knew that his mother appreciated all the help her husband was giving her around the house.

Still, any training was good training, and Kaidan was enjoying the piloting as much as he was able to.

That and the chance of working with someone like Joker was great fun. It was, in fact, the first time in a long, long time he was actually smiling and relaxing while training.

It almost made his face hurt and as far as he was concerned… It was more than worth it.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Normandy:**

Serving for ten years within the Alliance military, both as an officer, as a marine, but first and foremost as a soldier, has taught Kaidan a lot of things.

Always trust your squad-mates. They know what they are doing.

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

Don't be a colossal idiot and decline an offer that is obviously a once in a life-time opportunity no matter how lacking you think you are for the job. The Alliance asked you for a reason so don't question them.

Of course, all the things he had learned came with a certain obvious "there is always an exception to the rules", but for the offer that Kaidan now was faced with… Well, Kaidan had found himself to be a lot of things in his thirty-one year of living and ten years of serving, but being dumb enough to decline this..?

Not an option.

Especially when it was Captain Anderson, one of the first and most famous N7 graduate and soldier from the first contact war that personally gave –-him-, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, biotic and "Jack-of-all trades" Marine the offer.

If Kaidan had the permission, he would have squealed with delight.

He could still hear the words ringing in his ears as he hurried down the long hallway down towards the Vancouver shuttle hangar where he would be introduced to the biggest project the Alliance had had in a long, long time.

The evolvement and construction of a state of the art, prototype "deep scout" frigate.

The SSV Normandy.

Kaidan had heard all the rumours, all the whispers about the ship, everything to it being able to fly ten times as faster as the fastest jet out there to it being practically invisible with its new Cyclonic Barrier Technology, which everyone and their mothers knew was still on the early development stages.

It didn't stop the rumours though and Kaidan wouldn't be surprised if the next thing he heard was that the SSV Normandy could transform into a robot while on the ground.

It didn't matter though. Soon he would get to see the wonder with his own eyes and he could feel his inner child jump up and down with excitement.

Being saluted still felt strange to him, even though he had been an officer for quite some time now. It felt downright weird being the one that people listened to when it felt he had so much to learn.  
Still, he saluted the two guards' right back as he passed through the checkpoint. Then he was waved over to the scanner to have his identity verified as well as clearing the sidearm that was hanging from his belt before he was let into a new hallway.  
He walked quickly down the path and was soon met with two more guards. One quick salute and he was let through a new door, into a larger room where two officers were waiting.

Captain David Anderson and Admiral Steven Hackett.

Kaidan swallowed hard. Just being in the presence of these two downright legendary men was enough to make his head spin.

"Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," Captain Anderson said, stepping towards Kaidan.

"Sir," Kaidan replied, straightening up and snapping his best salute.

Anderson nodded before gesturing towards Admiral Hackett. "I trust you have heard of Admiral Steven Hackett," he said, looking a little amused by his own statement. There wasn't a soul in the Alliance military army that hadn't heard of Admiral Steven Hackett unless the person had been living under a rock for the last thirty or so years.

"Of course, sir," Kaidan said back, once again snapping a salute. "It is an honour."

"At ease. Lieutenant," Hackett replied, giving Kaidan a nod back. "I trust you have been briefed on why you have been called here?"

"Not completely, sir," Kaidan replied honestly. "I was only told that I was to be evaluated to be part of the maiden voyage of the Normandy." He felt his stomach do a happy-dance just from repeating the basic mail even if it was just an evaluation. There were probably many people who were being evaluated.

"Close, but not completely correct," Anderson replied before nodding his head towards the door behind him. "Come with us, Lieutenant."

Kaidan felt his stomach sink, the happy-dance over.  
"Sir." He followed without question though, knowing that everything would be revealed to him in time. He just had to be patient.

Even if it was damn hard.

"How much have you heard about the Normandy, Lieutenant," Anderson asked as he opened the door, indicating for Kaidan to enter it first, quickly followed by himself and Hackett.

"Only the very basics and a lot of rumours, sir," Kaidan replied, waiting for Anderson and Hackett to take the lead before following.

"You're in for a treat then, Alenko," Anderson replied, lips still tugged into that small, warm, though amused smile as he walked down a longer corridor, passing several windows that showed researchers, engineers and scientists working on charts, models and schematics.  
It was like a different world from the life Kaidan knew on the army-base. The future was created in places such as this.

"The Normandy," Anderson continued, snapping Kaidan out of his fascination, steering him back to the subject at hand. "Is a prototype "deep scout" frigate, first of the eponymous Normandy class, co-developed by the Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy with the sponsorship of the Citadel Council."

"The Citadel Council?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Why would the Citadel sponsor an Alliance project? We don't even have a seat on the Council."  
He was tempted to add a "yet" to the end of the sentence, but Kaidan knew better than to take things for granted. In fact, he often found himself agreeing with the Council's decision that humanity was not ready for such a step up in power. Especially since Ambassador Udina more often than not came across as an angry five-year old stomping his leg onto the ground while screaming "But I want it now!"

"Alliance and Turian," Anderson pointed out. "And the reason why this ship is being developed here is classified as off yet, but everything will be clear to you by the end of the day."

"Yes, sir."

"She is optimized for solo-reconnaissance mission deep within unstable regions," Anderson continued, simply picking up where Kaidan had interrupted him. "She is using state-of-the-art stealth technology powered by an experimental drive core, unlike anything used in the Alliance military before."

"And making Udina and a lot of other high-level military officers positively squirm in their seat from the amount of credits we have spent on this project so far," Hackett added, though he sounded amused.

"Credits that are well worth it," Anderson smirked while Kaidan just looked amazed.

"That sounds very good, sir, but I am still a little confused as to why I am here," he said before stopping as he almost walked into Anderson as he stopped.

"Just take a moment and look at this," the captain said, smirking some as he pushed a button on the consol in front of him.  
Kaidan looked up, peering through the glass window that separated them from a completely darkened hangar. As Anderson pushed the button, a siren went off before several lights were turned on.

Light gleamed off the white and black metal surface as the Normandy slowly was revealed with each lit spotlight, the body of it shining; almost glowing as the dark room slowly became illuminated.

"Oh wow…"

Anderson smirked, looking towards Kaidan, amused by the staff lieutenants stunned expression. "She's a marvel, isn't she?"

"Yes, sir," Kaidan replied, taking a step closer towards the window so he could take it all in.

The SSV Normandy was the most impressive ship Kaidan had ever seen in his long, military life. A masterpiece of human and alien technology merged together to create something that he could only call downright perfection.  
He could tell just by looking at the sleek body of the ship that the Normandy was a lot more than just a frigate. She was a wonder, a symbol. Something to inspire both humanity and the other races. A direct proof that humanity could not only work with other races, but merge with them. Teach as much as being taught.

"Alenko, how would you like to serve on such a ship?"

Kaidan doesn't quite believe what he's hearing at first. It's a question, sure, but what kind of question.  
"Sir, it would be an honour above anything I else I've done so far."

A neutral answer with a positive ring to it. It would be an honour, but not a given. It is not an offer, just a question.

Anderson nods before looking at Hackett. He murmured something, though both of them had their eyes on Kaidan. For a moment he's taken back to BAaT; feeling the intense gaze of his teachers. Evaluating him. Judging him even.  
They end their conversation with a small nod before Anderson clears his throat.

"You are a smart man, Alenko, so you have probably already guessed that we're not here for you to just see this ship. But you are also a realistic man, knowing that being here is not something you should take for granted. So I will cut the bullcrap and be straight with you." Anderson gestured to the ship.  
"We are looking for a team with the best people the Alliance Military can offer to fly and run this ship. And you are one of those, Alenko."

Kaidan felt his breath catch in his throat as he slowly turns to look at Anderson, a look of shock on his face.

"Don't look so surprised, Alenko, I've read your files. A good, steady line of promotions, several special commendations. You're smart, you're quick and you're more than a capable soldier. You have showed good integrity, good judgement. Willing to do what is right even if it is a tough call. Trusting your gut. Hell, it's only the L2 implants that you insist on keeping that's kept you out of the N7 program."

Kaidan hoped his ears weren't as red as they felt. They sure felt hot enough. It wasn't everyday that you were praised by Captain David Anderson.  
"I… Thank you, sir."

"Don't thank me, soldier. Thank yourself. It's your doing, not mine."

"I… Yes, sir. Of course, sir."

Anderson's lips tugged into a smile. "You are one of the best, Alenko. And I want you to be part of my crew as we take the Normandy on her maiden voyage. I want you to be my head of Marine details. What do you say to that, son?"

Serving for ten years within the Alliance military, both as an officer, as a marine, but first and foremost as a soldier, has taught Kaidan a lot of things.

Always trust your squad-mates. They know what they are doing.

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

Don't be a colossal idiot and decline an offer that is obviously a once in a life-time opportunity no matter how lacking you think you are for the job. The Alliance asked you for a reason so don't question them.

Kaidan knew he had to answer within ten seconds or less or he really would be that big of a colossal idiot.

"Sir, it would be an honour, sir."

And Kaidan was not that big of a colossal idiot.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Hero of Elysium:**

Being head of the Marine details meant that there was nothing that Kaidan didn't know about the things that were going on around the ship except for the things he weren't supposed to know. He was fine with that, it was the way he preferred things.

He was also surprised over the amount of people he actually knew, but the one that made him grin when he saw him was Joker. He was not surprised that Anderson and Hackett had chosen him to fly the Normandy.

"This dame needs a special hand to fly her and I got the touch," Joker said, grinning at Kaidan who just chuckled and grinned in return.

The biggest surprise though was when the commander of the ship was announced, making several people gasp. Whispers were already filling the briefing room.

There was not a soul who had not heard about Commander John Shepard, the latest N7 graduate. The hero of Elysium.

People were talking, creating their own images about the man. They had been doing that for the last seven years now, ever since Shepard had fought on Elysium.

Tall, strong, muscled. Able to stop batarians with one arm, shoot with the other and somehow saving people with a third.

An aura of command, of respect and strength radiating from him as he held a gun with one hand and a woman in the other.

Larger than life for sure. A god damned hero.

Kaidan had never seen the man himself, but even he had to admit that the romantic, space-loving part of his brain was already envisioning Shepard as one of the guys from the books he used to read as a kid.

When he actually did see him though, Commander John Shepard was everything and nothing like Kaidan had actually pictured.

Strong, yes.

Muscled, definitely.

Tall. Not so much. Kaidan suspected that might have an inch or two on him.

Handsome… Now he couldn't deny that fact, even if he wanted to. Not that he did, he was well aware of his sexuality and was comfortable with it. It was the twenty-second century after all.

Shepard had the standard military buzz-cut, but the slight fuzz that covered his head was dark. He also noted the small scar that cut into Shepard's hair-line on the left side of his forehead. The eyes were blue and intense; the eyes of a man who had seen a lot.

Maybe too much given the commanders' young age. There were tired lines under the blue eyes, but the face was young, free of wrinkles and clean-shaved with just a hint of a five-a' clock shadow covering the strong jaw.

While not the seven foot Greek god everyone kept picturing, Commander John Shepard was, in every sense of the word, an impressing man with an aura so intense that you couldn't help but notice him.

While Kaidan didn't want to judge Shepard by first impression alone, so far his impression was that Shepard was a man that could get things done.

What did surprise Kaidan though was how humble the man seemed to be. As Anderson guided the commander onto the shop, presenting him to his crew, he took his time to salute and greet every single one of them, but he didn't say anything else.

Not because he found himself to be better than them. Kaidan could tell by the way he acted, by the way his hands kept shifting when he wasn't saluting.

The hero of Elysium was overwhelmed with the chance that he had been given, just like the rest of them.

Somehow that small fact just made Kaidan respect the man all the more.

When Shepard reached Kaidan, the lieutenant snapped at attention and saluted him. Shepard did the same before offering him his hand to shake. "Shepard," he merely said and Kaidan answered in turn.

"Alenko."

The handshake was firm, short, exactly as Kaidan had thought it would be. The hand was solid, the fingers roughened from years of handling weapons. The hand of a proper soldier.

Shepard gave Kaidan a tired smile, like he had done nothing but salute, shake hands and meet new people. He probably had, since he had only been promoted to Commander a few weeks ago according to the Intel Kaidan had received.

Kaidan's own lips tugged into a smile and he was about to open his mouth to say something. Something like "Welcome aboard" or something equally clever, but before he knew it, Shepard was gone, busy with introducing himself to the next person.

Not really surprising and yet… Kaidan was disappointed.

Then he figured that they would always get a chance to talk later. They would serve together on the same ship after all.

There would always be time for pleasantries later.

xoxoxox

The Normandy was flying like a dream, soaring through space with an ease and elegance that would impress even the most stubborn Turian. Not that Kaidan was surprised, considering who was piloting the ship.

Joker seemed to have the time of his life as well, letting his hands dance over the controls, making the ship obey his every wink. Still, there was a look of determination in his eyes, which could have something to do with the Turian guest they had with them: Nihlus Kryik.

Having a Spectre onboard was exciting (and terrifying) enough, but the council's most decorated Spectre..? It was enough to make every human onboard a little nervous.

Kaidan was comfortable in his own seat, monitoring the numbers as they ticked over the screen.

As they passed Jupiter, heading towards the Charon Relay, Kaidan plotted in the links to connect the Charon Relay to the Arcturus Prime Relay before nodding at Joker.

Joker nodded back before making his own adjustments. "The Arcturus Prime Relay is in range. Initiation transmission sequence."

They soared towards Neptune and Kaidan could see the faint glow from the relay in the distance. His monitored beeped and a small light flashed, indicating that the connection had been made between Charon and Arcturus.

Joker's own monitor beeped as well; the Charon Relay had connected with the Normandy. "We are connected. Calculation transit mass and destination."

The blue planet passed them as Joker took them closer to the Relay, the glow turning brighter, bigger. "The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector."

Kaidan took a sharp inhale. He hadn't been this far past the Sol system before. Heck, his earliest space-exploration was like a toe dipped in a large swimming-pool in comparison. He had only travelled by Mass Relays a handful of times and it had never failed to give him that surge in the pit of his stomach.

"All stations secure for transit."

Joker's hands continued to fly over the controls, having steel control over the ship. His usually happy face was pulled into a look of pure concentration. This would be the Normandy's first flight through a Mass Relay. While there was no doubt that the ship could handle such a trip: heck, it would be a surprise if it couldn't, there was still that excitement that came with every new ship.

Nihlus remained quiet, arms folded over his chest, watching through the window as the Relay came nearer and nearer.

When the sound of firm footsteps came towards the bridge, stopping next to him, he took his time to nod at the newcomer. The Commander looked serious, determined, but unable to hide that excited little glow in his eyes, like a child on his first space-trip.

"The board is green. Approach run has begun." Joker made a small adjustment to their course, bringing the ship up and around towards the side of the Relay as they drew nearer.

The size of the massive machine was impressive and Kaidan could feel his stomach make a small flip as they turned closer.

Joker just grinned as he swung the ship closer, sailing up the side of the relay, the glowing mass illuminating the cockpit. "Hitting the relay in three… Two…"

The relay's element zero core started glowing harder as the relay connected with the ship, "grabbing a hold" of it as they prepared for the jump.

As Joker said "One", they made the transit, the ship flung from the Charon Relay and the Sol system.

In a heart-beat they re-emerged in the Utopia system were Joker immediately went over the Normandy's systems. "Thrusters… Check. Navigation… Check." He tapped his hand against the monitor, earning a small chirp back from the system. "Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift…just under fifteen-hundred k."

"Fifteen-hundred is good. Your captain will be pleased," Nihlus said, speaking up for the first time since he arrived in the cockpit.

Then he left without another word, making Joker roll his eyes.

"I hate that guy."

Kaidan chuckled as he looked towards Joker, finishing up his own system's check, sending and filing the flight-report to be evaluated by Captain Anderson later. "Nihlus gave you a compliment… So you hate him?"

Joker let out a snort and glanced over at Kaidan, giving him a look, complete with a raised eyebrow. "You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That's good. I just jumped us hallway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's incredible!" He shrugged his shoulder and looked from Kaidan, back to the monitors. "Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him onboard. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid," Kaidan quipped back as he glanced over at Joker, a small smile visible on his lips. "The council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."

"Yeah, that is the official story," Joker replied dryly as he eased down on the Normandy's thrusters, slowing their speed by a thousand. Not much, but enough to keep the fuel from being wasted. "But only an idiot believes the official story."

Shepard just smirked and looked over at Joker. "You always expect the worse."

"Well, bad feelings are an occupational hazard," Joker replied dryly. "We don't go anywhere unless there's a good reason, so what are we doing here?" He looked towards Kaidan as if he expected the head of marine Intel to know something he didn't, but Kaidan just shrugged his shoulders lightly.

He only had the official, well-known reason that Anderson had briefed them on before they left Earth, but he had his speculations.

The Council didn't send their most decorated Spectre just to see if their investments were treated with careful hands. Nor did the Alliance hire top men for routine-missions so there was something going on.

He didn't get the time to voice his thoughts, not that he would have anyway, as Anderson's voice came through the comm. "Joker! Status report."

"Just cleared the mass relay, Captain," Joker replied, quickly going back to watching the monitors, clicking on the needed systems. "Stealth system engaged. Everything looks solid."

"Good," Anderson replied quickly. "Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime."

"Aye aye, Captain," Joker replied while Kaidan reached over to link the Normandy to the nearest comm buoy. "Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way."

"He's already here, Lieutenant" Anderson replied in a bit of a surly tone. Joker just shook his head while Kaidan fought back a snicker that threatened to escape him, focusing fully on his own monitors. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing." Then the link was switched off with a barely auditable peep before Joker sighed.

"You get that, Commander?"

"I'm on my way," Shepard replied, already turning and leaving the cockpit.

"Pff," Joker snorted, glancing over at Kaidan. "Is it me or does the captain always sound a little pissed off?"

"Only when he's talking to you, Joker," Kaidan replied, smirking at Joker who just waved his hand at the staff lieutenant.

This was going to be an interesting mission.


	11. Chapter 11

**The First Human Spectre:**

Eden Prime was everything but a routine-mission. A text-book example of everything that could possible go wrong under a mission of great importance would be a better description.

Not only had poor Jenkins lost his life, but Nihlus as well.

Killed by no other by Saren Arterius, another Spectre of high level.

Just to add icing on top of the cake, he was accompanied by the Geth. The freaking Geth. Damn machines that hadn't been seen outside the Perseus Veil in almost three-hundred years.

To add the cherry on top of the icing, the prothean beacon they had been sent to get had been destroyed thanks to Kaidan's curiosity and the information stored inside was one out of two things.

Either it was lost forever, its contents only known by Saren.

Or it was locked inside Commander Shepard's head, who had saved Kaidan from being pulled by some sort of beam or field, taking the blow for him.

So now they were on their way to the Citadel, the Commander still unconscious and they were accompanied by an Ashley Williams, survivor of the slaughter on Eden Prime.

At least something good had come out of it.

Kaidan had barely exchanged words with her, but she seemed to be a very capable woman, head-strong and resourceful.

He had gathered enough of an impression to recommend her to Captain Anderson as a valuable asset to have on the Normandy.

For now he was pacing the med-wing, arms crossed over his chest, tossing worried glances over at the unconscious man. Some staff lieutenant he'd turn out to be so far. Not only had he managed to knock his Commander unconscious by acting like a complete rookie, but his action had left the damn beacon completely destroyed.

"You're going to walk a hole into the floor if you keep on pacing like that, Alenko," Chakwas spoke up, busy with monitoring Shepard's heart and brain waves. "That or give yourself a migraine thanks to the stress. And then you will feel even worse than you already are. I don't need two patients in the med-bay on the Normandy's first flight and according to your files, your migraines are a beast to handle."

"I was acting like a newbie," Kaidan replied, sighing as he stopped his pacing and instead just stood there. "Too curious for my own damn good."

"Comes with being an Intel-officer," Chakwas mused, smirking some as she stood up from her desk. "Give yourself a break, lieutenant, you had no idea that it would do that or that it was even working."

"I knew it was working, it was glowing when we got there," Kaidan said weakly, looking over at Shepard. "… I shouldn't have approached it."

"You didn't know what would happen," Chakwas repeated, patting Kaidan on the back as she passed him on her way towards the small cooling-cabin in the back of the room. "Instead of standing there, how about you dab the Commander's forehead? He is running a little hot according to the monitors."

"Can do, ma'am," Kaidan replied, walking over to the sink and rinsed out a piece of cloth. Walking over to Shepard, he carefully started dabbing his face with the cloth, pressing it against his forehead.

He took a step back as Shepard inhaled sharply, eyes fluttering as he was slowly waking up.

"Doctor? Doctor Chakwas!" Kaidan called out, taking a step back as the woman walked over to Shepard as the Commander struggled to sit up.

"You had us worried there, Shepard," she murmured, watching as Shepard sat up and placed a hand over his face, as if trying to gather himself. "How are you feeling?"

"Minor throbbing," Shepard grunted out, letting his hand wipe over his face before looking up. "Nothing serious. How long was I out?"

Kaidan couldn't help but be amazed over Shepard's downright blunt replies, wondering how much was the truth and how much was pure stubbornness.

"About fifteen hours," Chakwas replied, picking up a small light-pen and shone it into Shepard's eyes, testing the reactions of his pupils. Shepard let out a small grunt and Kaidan noticed how the Commander's hand twitched, as if aching to just slap the annoying light away.

"Something happened down there with the beacon, I think," she continued, ignoring the twitch, while Kaidan just felt that pang of guilt again.

"It's my fault," he said quickly, looking towards Shepard. "I must have triggered some kind of security-field when I approached it." He swallowed, trying not to look like a kid who'd been caught bullying on the playground. "You had to push me out of the way."

"You had no way to know what would happen," Shepard replied and for a moment Kaidan could see just how tired the Commander looked, despite having been out for fifteen hours. Still, Kaidan couldn't help the small, happy smile that tugged at his lips.

Unless his eyes played tricks on him, he could have sworn that Shepard returned the small gesture, but it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

"Actually we don't even know if that's what set it off," Chakwas interrupted, stealing Shepard's attention. "Unfortunately we'll never get the chance to find out."

"The beacon exploded, a system overload maybe," Kaidan explained when a look of confusion appeared on Shepard's face, stepping up towards Chakwas. He felt that it was rude to talk to the back of Shepard's head. "And the blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship."

"I appreciate it," Shepard replied and Kaidan could swear that the same, small smile returned to Shepard's lips for just a second before it was replaced with that same, hard, professional expression. The face of a Commander.

"Physically you are fine," Chakwas murmured as she continued to study Shepard, making sure that he was waking up alright. "But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves." She stepped back from Shepard and walked over to her computer, typing something down. "I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

Shepard hesitated before speaking up, frowning as if he tried to remember something. "I saw… I'm not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction." He shook his head some. "Nothing's really clear."

"Hmm. I better add this to my report. It may-" Chakwas started before straightening up as the door to the med bay opened and someone entered. "Oh, Captain Anderson."

Kaidan immediately snapped to attention, mostly out of reflex as the Captain walked over to the trio, giving them all a look-over before his eyes finally landed on Shepard. "How's our XO holding up, doctor?"

"All readings look normal," Chakwas replied, nodding towards the Captain. "I'd say the Commander is going to be fine."

"Glad to hear it," Anderson replied, a sound of relief clear in his voice before he straightened up. "Shepard, I need to speak with you – in private," he continued, hesitating before finishing his sentence.

Kaidan merely nodded, snapping a salute at the Captain before excusing himself from the med bay, feeling a wave of relief wash over him.

Shepard was going to be fine.

xoxoxoxo

After Shepard's awakening, the ball seemed to roll pretty fast as and Kaidan wasn't sure if he was keeping up with it anymore. Every time he thought he had a grasp of the situation, the ball just took a different turn until someone kicked it completely out of the field.

He had known about the Normandy's trip to the Council, not at all surprised that they were required to report in with what they had found as well as what had happened. That was, as far as he knew, the plan all along, but even more important now that the mission had taken an unexpected turn.

But when they landed… now that was entirely different story.

The Citadel was a place Kaidan had only dreamt about going to and while it was a dream coming true that they were there now, it was a dream he couldn't allow himself to enjoy as he and Williams followed Shepard towards the Seat of the Council.

It had taken a few rounds around the firsts floors of the Citadel to find their way towards the Seat, but at least they hadn't run late.

Anderson was already there, reporting in what had happened along with ambassador Udina. The report didn't exactly go as any of them had hoped, Saren shooting down their accusations with ease thanks to his reputation as well as status. The lack of evidence wasn't helping either, but Anderson set them to work by giving them possible leads to follow where they could get information. Their mission; finding dirt on Saren.

The leads were indeed fruitful as the result was more than what any one of them could have bargained for when they presented them to the Council.

Kaidan had to be honest with himself; he wasn't that surprised when Shepard had been made the first human Spectre, though he still felt himself swell with pride on Shepard's behalf, who looked a mix between determined and humbled. He didn't know Shepard that well yet, save what his dossier had said, but he had a gut-feeling that the choice had been a damn good one.

Shepard was a good man.

He was a little more surprised when Shepard not only had been made Spectre, but made some new, interesting friends.

Garrus, a turian C-sec officer.

Wrex, a krogan bounty-hunter.

And Tali, a young quarian on her pilgrimage and also the key that had brought Saren down.

It was thanks to her they discovered the reason for Saren's treachery and while they had no idea what the mentioned "conduit" was, there were clues they could follow that would hopefully present them with answers. The voice of a female, identified as the asari Matriarch called Benetzia was their first clue and with the clue came a possible new ally:

An asari archaeologist named Liara T'soni. Benetzia's daughter.

It didn't stop there though.

Kaidans eyebrows were all but disappearing into his hairline when Captain Anderson handed the responsibility of the Normandy to Shepard, making him "captain" of the ship before telling them that he weren't going to join them. He was needed at the Citadel and he had too much personal stokes with Saren to be a good asset on the battle-ground.

But the mission was clear.

Stop Saren and the Geth before Saren got his hold "the conduit".

Now all they had to do was find him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Captain, My Captain:**

In a way, it all seemed so simple. They had three planets to check, three planets where they could possibly find leads on Saren and the "conduit" he was chasing.

Feros.

Noveria.

And some planet in the Artemis Tau System to find, if she was there still, Professor Liara T'Soni.

Three choices, three urgent missions.

Like Shepard wasn't already under a lot of stress with his newfound Spectre-status.

Kaidan could see that the load was heavy on Shepard's shoulders since everything had been more or less sprung on him. He was taking it in stride though, showing just how capable he was as he ordered Joker to take off. He just hadn't decided to where yet.

It was a tough call, one that Shepard had to think about closely. All Kaidan could do was to offer some support in the only way he knew how.

Rapping his knuckles against the hard metal door, Kaidan waited for the muffled "enter" to reach his ears before palming the electronic lock, opening it. He gave Shepard a small nod with his head before presenting his offering to him; a mug with steaming hot coffee.

"Thought you'd need it, Commander. You haven't rested much since we left the Citadel."

Shepard gave Kaidan a tired, but grateful smile as he grasped the mug, taking a big swig from it. He pulled a face, shaking his head while his body let out a small shudder. "Ugh, that's terrible."

"Yeah, sadly I cannot guaranty for the taste, sir, but my mother always told me that it's the thought that counts."

"If anything it has shocked my body into full alert now so I guess it's done its job. Thank you, Lieutenant."

Kaidan nodded his head again before placing his hands behind his back. "Permission to speak freely, sir."

Shepard gave him a look-over, looking more surprised than anything before nodding. "Permission granted."

"With all due respect, but… about the missions. I have been giving them some thought," Kaidan said, choosing his words carefully. The last thing he wanted was to protest on Shepard's decisions or show him disrespect.

"We know that both Feros and Noveria experienced Geth-attack, which are good indications that something that is of Saren's interest is there. Or was there. However, since we have no guarantee that whatever Saren was after is there anymore, of there was anything there at all, but we know that this Liara T'Soni is somewhere in the Atremis Tau system and, being the Matriarchs daughter, she can possibly be in danger. Also, if she does hold helpful information, it might help us find out more about what Saren was looking for at Noveria and Feros."

Shepard nodded his head slowly as Kaidan spoke, rubbing his fingers over his chin as he looked down at his com-pads. "The thought has struck me as well. There is little we can do to chance the situation on Feros and Noveria and, according to the reports, there is nothing critical happening at Noveria. I am a bit more curious about Feros as communications seemed to stop when the Geth attacked. There might be trouble." He sighed and pinched the bridge between his eyes. "However, there is the question of Professor T'Soni. There is a bit of a blank hole there as well since, for all we know, she can have been taken by her mother already, either voluntarily or by force."

"Personally, I find that hole smaller than the hole when it comes to Feros, sir," Kaidan replied, still keeping himself as professional as possible. "There are "ifs" when it comes to both situation, but locating professor T'Soni if we take into consideration which planets are under interest for archaeologists. With some luck, we can narrow it down to one of the four systems, or better."

"Can you find that information, Alenko?"

Kaidan nodded. "Shouldn't take me long, sir."

"Shepard."

Kaidan blinked his eyes, looking a bit stunned. "Pardon?"

Shepard chuckled some and let his lips tug into a small, tired smile. "Call me Shepard. Hearing everyone calling me sir or Commander at all times makes me a bit… tired. No offence, I just need a small break from it."

"Oh…" Kaidan looked a bit dumbfounded, not quite sure how to answer that one. He could understand how Shepard could get tired off his title, especially since his title had grown even bigger in the last twenty-four hours.

In truth, he wasn't quite sure how to act around the man. After Shepard had woken up, he had approached Kaidan again to chat, wanting to know more about what had happened on Eden Prime as well as what happened after while he was out. Kaidan had been happy to enlighten him, but professional talk had soon shifted into more casual chatter without Kaidan even noticing. Shepard had a way of making Kaidan talk and Kaidan wasn't all that sure if he liked it. It was fine for the time being since there was nothing personal, not really.

Either way, it seemed like Shepard was just as updated about him as Kaidan was about Shepard, which was not surprising. What were surprising were the questions Shepard asked him. Nothing personal, but things that were viewed as unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In turn, Kaidan had learned a few things about Shepard as well, like how easy it was to talk to him. He was down to earth and he clearly had his crews' best interest in mind, taking his time in talking to each and every one of them to make sure that they had settled.

When he'd brought Garrus, Tali and Wrex on board, Ashley and Presley had protested, but it took Shepard less than ten minutes with each of them to make sure that their guests were behaving.

Kaidan wasn't that worried; he had never minded aliens. Like he told Shepard when he'd asked, in his eyes, aliens were like any other person; a saint or an asshole. It didn't matter what package it came in.

"Earth to Alenko. Do you copy?"

"Huh?" Kaidan jerked his head slightly and gave Shepard what he felt was an extremely dorky look. "… I am sorry, Co-... Shepard. I just…"

Shepard gave Kaidan a downright cheeky grin as he leaned back into his chair. "My name so nice that it sends you daydreaming, Lieutenant? I knew you were a romantic, but this bad..?"

Kaidan just hoped his blush wasn't as bad as he felt as he cracked a small, sheepish smile at Shepard. "Sorry, Shepard, but… Yeah, you know me. Been serving for a long time and old habits die hard."

"You're a by-the-book kind of guy, Alenko. Nothing bad about that."

"Certainly hope not. I think for myself as well, of course, but… Yeah. Doing what is right is very important to me. Integrity."

"I know, and I appreciate that about you," Shepard said, his grin turning warmer. "I know that if I come to you, you will give it to me straight. No beating around the bush."

"I believe in the truth, Shepard," Kaidan said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, fingertips pressing against the scar hidden just underneath the thick hair there. "Beating around the bush, it… I don't know, I feel it rarely goes well. If you just say it as it is, then the result is usually better, in my experience. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything, exceptions to every rule."

"Words of experience, Kaidan?"

'Yes and no,' Kaidan though, but ended up shrugging with his shoulders instead. While Shepard knew about some of Kaidan's old experiences, especially his views on his own biotic abilities as well as BaAT, he hadn't told him everything from during and after Brain-camp.

That was way too personal, at least from where he was standing right now. And as nice as Shepard was, he was his Commander. His boss.

Shepard just gave him that crocked smile though before reaching out to pat Kaidan's arm. "Run those scans so we can start searching for professor T'Soni, will you? If you don't find anything by the time we hit the Mass Relay, we will be going to the Attican Beta system so we can help the colony on Feros."

"Yes, Commander." Out of habit, Kaidan snapped a quick salute at Shepard before turning to leave the cabin, though he felt his cheeks go red as he heard Shepard chuckle and murmur a stop "I wish you'd stop doing that," under his breath.

Walking over to his dedicated station, Kaidan gave his ever-faulty monitor a small kick, then sighed and crouched down so he could fiddle with the wires enough to get it to work.

"You know, LT, you can ask the Commander for a new monitor. One that actually works."

Looking up, Kaidan found himself almost face to face with Ashley, who was leaning at his monitor from behind and wearing a cheeky grin.

"A faulty monitor is not exactly first priority," he mumbled, wondering how Ashley was able to just… Be so relaxed. They hadn't known each other for that long and while he liked the woman, he just wasn't able to relax around her. "And it takes me one minute to fix it so it's no big deal."

"One minute you have to use every time your monitor goes into standby. Seriously, you should just ask to have it replaced the next time we go to the Citadel. Or heck, any colony that has a decent repair-shop."

"I can fill in a form later; it's not important right now. The Commander has enough on his mind without worrying about replacing my monitor. Besides, I can fix it myself."

Or normally he would since he knew exactly what was wrong with it, but it seemed like no matter what he did, the monitor was resisting his skills. He was almost considering taking it out for dinner and a show if it would prevent it from acting like a damn primadonna.

"You're just saying that because you know that the Commander actually will do it." Ashley smirked some as she glanced over towards Shepard's cabin. "I like that about him, though. He takes his time to make sure everything and everyone is okay."

"The Commander is good like that," Kaidan replied, jamming the wire up into the monitor, watching as the screen flickered for a moment before coming to life. "He knows that our mission will be a straining one. He wants to make sure we are all set and dedicated."

"Or maybe he does it because he simply gives a damn?"

Kaidan just gave Ashley a look, one eyebrow raised, before he started with his task. "You sound like you're sweet on him, Chief."

"He's a looker, I will give him that. But then again, so are you. Except you never smile, LT," Ashley teased, punching Kaidan lightly in the shoulder. "You should smile some more, Kaidan. Turn that frown up-side down. Or do you wear it to keep the ladies out of the way?"

"Let's go for that one, shall we?" Kaidan said, feeling no desire to tell Ashley how socially awkward he was. He was pretty sure she already knew anyway.

"You know, next time we're at the Citadel, I'm taking you out to Chora's Den. My treat. You said you liked the dancers there. Maybe that will make you grin."

"More likely to give me a splitting head-ache, but thank you for having my libido on your mind, Ashley. And really, only an idiot would deny that the Asari dancers are not nice to look at. It's their job, they know they are lovely."

"So proper, Kaidan."

"Making my mother real proud too."

Ashley merely grinned again before reaching over to pinch Kaidan's cheek, giving it a good, little tug. "You're a real cutie-pie, Kaidan. Makes me want to wrap you up and hide you away so nobody can steal you away from us."

"Can you let go of my cheek, Ashley? It kind of hurts…"

The Gunnery Chief merely chuckled before releasing Kaidan's cheek, who brought his hand up to it and rubbed it, giving Ashley another look. Ashley merely smiled at him. "I mean it though, LT. Smiling once in a while won't make your face crack. You might find that you like it."

"I'll smile once we've stopped Saren."

"Oh, I am so taking a picture of that or nobody will ever believe me!"

Kaidan just smirked before giving Ashley a small, biotic push, making her stumble. "As you were, Williams," he said with a small grin, the blue biotics swirling in his eyes before they dispatched, once again turning warm and brown. "I got a job to do."

Ashley just waved her hand at him as she walked towards the mess-hall. "I'll bring you back some grub, LT. And no forgetting to eat it."

"I won't," Kaidan called back as his fingers started flying over the monitor. Time to see if he couldn't make Shepard's job just a little bit easier.


	13. Chapter 13

**Scars:**

All things considered, the mission was going well. Or as well as one could expect since they had little to nothing to go by.

They hadn't caught Saren yet and, as Wrex was so lovely putting it, they were more or less sniffing the farts the turian left behind as they reached Therum, then later Feros.  
While Therum had been intense, especially with the rescue of Liara T'Soni, only they had been at risk.

Feros, however, had been a… interesting challenge. Especially when they discovered the Thorian and the downright possessed colonists, but, thanks to Shepard's brilliant leadership, nobody had died. He had settled arguments with a finesse Kaidan had never witnessed, used the limited supplies in the most efficient way possible and somehow still found time to do small favours for the people on the planet. Kaidan had no idea how he'd done it, but there it was. No casualties and injuries were at the minimum. By the time they were done, the colony was back online, power supply and water running. They had chosen to kill the Thorian because of its dangerous ability, but the intel and information they had gained in return were valuable. Especially from an Asari trapped by the Thorian, given to it by Saren in return for intel. Intel that the Asari had given Shepard. A Cipher, she had called it, to unlock the mysterious images in Shepard's head.

Hearing about Shepard's great accomplishments were one thing, but seeing them for himself… Kaidan could understand, now better than before, why Shepard had been picked out both for the N7 plan and as the human Spectre.

Still, he could see a frustration growing in the man and while the Commander didn't voice it, Kaidan was willing to guess what it was.

It was the knowledge that they had once again been too late. The insecurity of "if I had gone here first, then maybe". Kaidan knew all about 'maybe's and 'perhaps'es. He also knew that Shepard did what he could with the knowledge he had and quite frankly, it couldn't have turned out any better. While they might, -might-, have had a shot at catching Saren at Feros, they would have lost Liara to the Geth and mercenaries. As it was now, they had Liara safely with them and they had more intel than before, and honestly… Kaidan would have been surprised if they had managed to catch Saren this quick and still make it back to the latest episode of "Not Without my Vorcha" on GN.

While they hadn't managed to get much closer to finding out what the "Conduit" was, the rescue of Professor Liara T'Soni was proving to be more valuable than first thought. Not only was she happy to join them, she also turned out to be a Prothean expert and, with Shepard's permission, was able to use her race's own natural talents and biotics to mind-melt with the Commander in an attempt to make sense of the images in Shepard's head.

They didn't make much sense of it the first time they had done it, but a bit more came to the surface after their trip to Feros. Still, they had more leads to follow and Liara was more than willing to help them.

Liara, as it turned out, was incredibly sweet, young woman and was very willing to teach Kaidan more about biotics from an Asari point of view. While he had been around Asari biotics before, even been complimented by them, they hadn't attempted to teach him anything new (or old for that matter).

So when Kaidan had a moment off and Liara wasn't busy with her own research, they would spend time together, meditating or just talking. After becoming her student, so to speak, Kaidan found that his migraines, while still intensive, were a little less frequent than before. Thanks to some simple techniques he was able to kill them before they blossomed into something he couldn't handle, and anything that could help him take less pain-medication was a blessing.

He was still reluctant to use his abilities on the field, at least in an offensive way, but he found that it was easier for him to use his abilities in a defensive matter.

There also was that childish side of him that thought that it was a lot of fun, watching the enemy fly off into the air. He just had to tell himself that it was Geth, not people he was sending off.

Boys would always be boys, he supposed.

As they turned the Normandy towards Noveria, after a quick pit-stop at the Citadel, Kaidan had also gotten the chance to get to know the rest of the crew better as well. While still not the first they came to to crack a joke, unless it was a bet going on to make him smile, they approached him more easily than before after realising that no, he was not hostile. He was simply private.

Personally he called himself awkward, but Liara insisted that -she- was awkward. In comparison, Kaidan was simply a private person. Guarded. Controlled.

It did sound nicer than socially awkward so he rolled with it.

Despite Shepard's best-laid plans, he was often called back to the Citadel to gather more intel and, because he was such a nice guy, help other people. This in turn meant downtime for the crew.

It was nice though, being included in people's plans, even if he often declined, depending on what they were doing.

He had joined Ashley, Shepard and Garrus to Chora's Den and Flux for drinks from time to time. There they had learned many things about one another such as Kaidan's ability to dance, Shepard's inability to dance (he still wasn't welcome to Flux after he hit one lady over the head with his arm), and just how many drinks it took to get Ashley drunk.  
Garrus was either cheating or just unable to get drunk by the looks of it because he was usually the one supporting Ashley back to the ship before coming back for Shepard. It depended if Kaidan was there or not because, as Garrus at least claimed, "coming back for a clingy, singing lush of a man makes me look bad". Shepard had never been clingy or singing when he and Kaidan had gone back to the Normandy, but he had cracked a lot of jokes and liked to touch Kaidan's hair.

Tilting his head to the side, Kaidan rubbed his neck with his left hand, attempting to work out the tension that was building there. The bright timer on his console told him that he'd finished his shift and he was only too happy to get out of there, grab a cup of coffee and just breathe for a moment before taking a shower and hopping to bed.

The ship was silent, only couple of handful of soldiers up and working as they moved towards Noveria. In a few hours, they would be there.

Wandering over to the star-observation room, cup of steaming coffee in his hand, Kaidan looked forward to unwind for a moment. So when he opened the door and saw Shepard there, leaning against the window, he let out a small cough in surprise.

"Commander. I am sorry, I didn't know you were here."

Shepard turned his head and gave Kaidan a small, crooked smile. "At ease, Kaidan. You're off duty, right, so no need to call me Commander? Besides, this room is for everyone, I don't have dibs."

"Sorry, it's habit," Kaidan replied, giving Shepard a small smile as he walked up to him, looking through the large window. It seemed so peaceful out there. Tranquil. Almost made Kaidan forget that they were chasing a rouge Spectre that had a league of Geth with him, hunting for only God-knew-what.

"Might become a bad one, one day," Shepard murmured, one arm resting against the window. Kaidan snuck a glance over at him and he could see the tension in his shoulders. The way he was standing, the tightness in the Commander's jaw.

"Says you," Kaidan murmured, smirking some as he looked away. "I am surprised you managed to tear yourself away from the console at all."

"Your fault for lecturing me about cutting corners," Shepard mused, though there was no ill tone behind the words. "Keeping track of all my loose ends is hard work."

"At least I am still keeping the deck dry from my little black raincloud," Kaidan replied, making Shepard chuckle and shake his head.

The chuckle in turn made Kaidan smile. It was a small sign that the Commander was still hanging in there, still able to be entertained. With the increasing burden on his shoulder, it was a miracle that he hadn't simply collapsed yet.

"You did well on Feros, Kaidan."

"Hmm?" Snapping out of his thoughts, Kaidan glanced back at Shepard.

"You did well," Shepard repeated, smiling some at Kaidan. "On Feros. Both you and Garrus were, but especially you. Garrus already knows he's good so I won't feed his ego with more compliments. His head is already getting too big for this ship," he added, the smile turning more lopsided as it transformed into a grin.  
"But I will feed you because you can take it. You were resourceful. Gave good insight and handled the mind-controlled colonists with integrity."

Kaidan smiled some and looked down, wondering of the heat in his ears were visible to Shepard. "Thank you. I was just doing my job, Shepard. Following your example."

"You were able to think for yourself, Kaidan. Do what you knew was right. Acting with-"

"-integrity, huh?" Kaidan finished, giving Shepard a smirk. "You've just waited for an excuse to say that in a nice way, haven't you?"

Shepard chuckled, flashing Kaidan a lopsided grin. "It's that easy to see through me, huh?"

"Only because we've spent time together, Shepard," Kaidan murmured as he walked over towards the couch, taking a seat. He smiled as he saw that Shepard followed him, sitting down next to him, twisting his body enough so he could lean his arm against the back of the couch and still face Kaidan.

"Which I do appreciate, by the way. The talks."

Shepard tilted his head some, letting out a small hum that Kaidan had learned was Shepard's own sound of agreement.

"I like talking to you, Kaidan. You're a bright guy. Smart. You know your things, both off and on the records. You've seen enough to know how things are handled. In fact, I am amazed that you're not higher up in rank."

"I'm too careful," Kaidan replied, finishing the last of the black sludge that was supposed to be coffee before playing with the plastic cup. "Thinking things through, very sceptical about breaking rules. You know. Integrity."

Shepard just smiled at him. "Integrity doesn't necessarily mean to follow the rules. It means doing what is right. When it comes to the book and when it comes to your own gut." He leaned in and gave Kaidan's shoulder a small nudge with his fist. "You are in perfect control of yourself. Maybe you shouldn't be afraid of loosing control every once in a while."

"A biotic has to be in control or-"

"You're not a fifteen year old kid who's been terrorised and harassed anymore," Shepard replied, not letting Kaidan finish that sentence. "And I don't mean that in a condescending way. God knows I am not looking down at you in any way. What I mean is… You have obviously taken what happened at Brain-Camp to heart, Kaidan. You've learned from it and you have grown."

Kaidan let out a small sigh, looking away from Shepard, towards the large window. "It's… More than just that, Shepard," he murmured. He bit his lip, thought about it for a moment before glancing back towards Shepard. "… Off the record?"

Shepard nodded, scooting a little closer so he could hear Kaidan's low voice better. "Talk to me, Kaidan."

"Remember what I told you about Rahna? Conatix Industries, how they just showed up and grabbed you? About Vyrnnus?"

Shepard nodded, though kept quiet, wanting for Kaidan to do all the talking.

So he did.

"Well… What I told you was the… Abridged version, so to speak. Removed all the… well. Unpleasant details." It wasn't that Kaidan was against the memories. It was part of him after all, he had grown from it. Learned. But it was something special about sharing the memories, especially with someone like Shepard.

Especially with -Shepard- in general.

"Like I told you, Vyrnnus… Was an asshole. Ex-military, tough to the bone. And he hated me for speaking up against him."

"Go on."

Kaidan hesitated for a split-second before he continued. "It's burned into my mind, even after all this time. And it's kind of… I dunno, I sometimes use it as a reminder of just how dangerous lack of control can be."

"I don't see you snapping very easily. What happened, Kaidan?" The question was genuine. Not out of curiosity, but out of really wanting to know. It made Kaidan happy, but it also confused him. He sighed some.

"He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was gonna do, just… Something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me, and kept shouting that they should have bombed us back to the stone-age." Kaidan's lips tugged up into a small, bitter smile as he turned to look at Shepard. "That's when a knife came up. A military issue Talon, right in my face. I cut loose, full biotic kick right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage now. And that's something when you're seventeen."

Shepard frowned some before reaching out, one finger pressing against a very thin, white line marking the left side of Kaidan's mouth. "Is this from..?"

Kaidan nodded, waiting until Shepard had removed the finger before speaking again. "Yeah. The knife in itself was enough to scare me, but… I remember being more angry than I was afraid. Because I was still set on defending Rahna. So yeah… I kicked him. A full biotic kick from a hyped of and angry teen-ager that was fuelled on fear, anger and Red Sand."

"You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing."

"Maybe my intentions were nobody, but I… I lost control. I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck. They probably could have saved him if they'd gotten him to an infirmary quick enough, but they didn't. Caused a stir when they shipped him home, BaAT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later." He let out a small chuckle. "It's funny… I'm not sure which one of us got the worse of what happened."

If Shepard was surprised, he didn't show it. He merely nodded as he continued to watch Kaidan, studying him in silence.

While it was in his records, Kaidan had never openly acknowledged his experiences with Red Sand. It was a drug after all, no matter if it was legal on some planets. Besides, he hadn't touched the stuff in years and had no desire to ever do so again.

"Was Rahna alright?"

The question took Kaidan off guard and it made him look away. That… Was the hard part of his memories. While the feelings he had had for the girl was gone… The memories of their last moment still hurt.

"Rahna, yeah… Yeah, she was fine. We never really… We stopped talking after that."

"Tell me what happened, Kaidan."

A small smile graced Kaidan's lips, but it was a sad one, not reaching his eyes. "Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her, we all protected her from him. Everyone. And everyone loved her. But after what I did to him… She was terrified of me too."

"That's harsh."

"Yeah, maybe. But I can't blame her, not really. If I'd seen myself, I'd probably be scared of me too. Hell, for a long time, I was. But… That's ancient history."

"I'd like to hear it one day. When you want to share it."

There it was again… That thing Shepard did that made Kaidan wonder where in the world he was.

Battle-field flirting among soldiers was not uncommon. Hell, it was a way to pass time, get a few laughs and a smile, even for someone as awkward as Kaidan felt.

But Shepard… Yeah, he battle-field flirted with just about everyone, even Wrex. But when he did it with Kaidan, he could swear that it was different somehow. More… Sincere. And his own flirting towards Shepard… It felt more real than just that light teasing.

And it confused the ever-living hell out of him.

Yes, there he was. Sitting on a couch with Shepard, finger trailing around the rim of his empty mug, Shepard sitting even closer, their arms touching and Shepard giving him this look. Those lips tugged into that downright goofy smile of his, though a softer version of it.

He wasn't sure, but somewhere on their mission, Kaidan had stopped seeing the hero in Shepard. He was fully aware that the hero was there; it couldn't, and wasn't supposed to be forgotten or ignored. But the more time he spent with Shepard, the more he started seeing the man in him. Seeing what made the Commander tick.

And quite frankly, he liked what he was seeing.

"I'll trade you," Shepard suddenly said, his hand shifting a little, just enough so that his thumb was slowly caressing over Kaidan's arm. "A story for a story."

Now it was Kaidan's turn to look interested, the sad look on his face wiped away. "Okay, I'll bite. Give it to me."

Shepard smirked some before bending his head some, pointing to the small, clean line that went from the left side of his forehead, into and past his hairline and into the clean-cut hair. "See that scar?"

Kaidan nodded, shifting some so he could look at Shepard more comfortably. "Yup."

"I got it when I was still with the Reds, back on earth," Shepard started while Kaidan nodded again. He knew about Shepard's days on the street, both from private conversations between the two of them and because he had been there when one of Shepard's old street-gang members had approached them. He had tried to threaten Shepard with spilling the truth about where Shepard came from, something Shepard had taken it in stride. He hadn't even bashed an eyelid as he dealt with the man, not being the least bit threatened by him.

Kaidan did admire the way the situation was handled; calmly and with words. Not a punch had been needed.

"It was a… Well. Mission gone wrong. We were trying to break into the hide-out of this other gang that was up to no good. So we could steal their supplies, spread it amongst ourselves, yeah?"

Shepard smiled some, looking a little embarrassed for a moment. "So we managed to break in and we were standing on their turf, hands down into their supply-boxes, ready to high-tail out of there, when the gang comes back. They weren't exactly the Blue Suns and the Reds… Well. We were a bunch of street-punks. We had the attitude, but many a times our barks were worse than our bites, but we knew how to fight."

Kaidan chuckled some, smiling at Shepard as he listened. "I am sorry, I am just trying to picture you as a street-punk," he mused.

"It's not hard," Shepard replied, smirking back at Kaidan. "Just picture me a lot thinner and a lot… Meaner, I guess. The army straightened me out."

The smile on the Commander's lips was a soft one, one of gratitude, and Kaidan could tell that Shepard really did appreciate the opportunities the army had given him. Not every street-urchin got that chance.

"Anyway, so the street-gang came back and were we in their storage room, basically cornered," Shepard continued, making Kaidan blink his eyes as he realised he had not listened to the first half of Shepard's sentence, having been too caught up in… Well. Shepard's lips. He had watched them move, but he hadn't heard the words. That was… odd. For him. He always listened, that was his thing.

"So we were running, they were shooting and I was too busy watching my ass so I completely forgot to watch my front. Anyway, long story short, I was following the others and I was going to dive through an empty window, but ended up banging my head against the frame. Cut my head bad enough to give me a concussion and I was bleeding. And since we didn't have much medigel, it scarred."

"That's… Anti-climatic," Kaidan chuckled, grinning at Shepard. "No heroic battle-scar from the Blitz? Or from a shoot-down?"

"Nope. I was defeated by an open window. I had to be carried back to the Red's base."

"That's… Oh, wow." Kaidan closed his eyes as he pictured the Commander as a kid being carried away from danger and the image he got made him laugh. He shook his head as he buried his face into his own elbow, leaning against the back of the couch. "That is… Wow." It was so silly and yet he had no problems actually picturing it.

Only twenty seconds or so passed as Kaidan continued to amuse himself with his mental image, but it felt like so much longer. Especially when he suddenly felt Shepard's hand touching his arm, knuckles gently stroking up and down over his own bare arm.

"You should laugh more often, Kaidan," Shepard murmured and the softness to the voice made Kaidan look up. He looked at the hand touching his, which made Shepard stop the caress. Then he looked up at Shepard himself, watching that gentle expression.

Warm, gentle and very blue eyes watching him, taking in every little movement that Kaidan did.

A soft-looking mouth curled up into a warm, gentle smile.

Battle-worn fingers, fingers that belonged on strong hands that Kaidan knew could cause harm, now caressing his arm slowly.

This wasn't battle-field flirting anymore.

But exactly what it was..? Kaidan had no idea.

All he did now was the way his heart was hammering in his chest. The way his ears burned. The way he was completely unable to break eye-contact with Shepard.

"Hey, Commander, Anderson's on the com! He needs a quick word with you before we actually land on Noveria!"

The way he utterly wanted to beat Ashley into a pulp as she came into the Star Observation Room, ruining whatever had happened before Kaidan had been given a chance to understand it himself.

The fingers and the Commander was gone with a quick "Thank you, Ash, I appreciate it," Shepard already halfway out the door by the time Kaidan had gathered his wits about him again.

He did however catch it as Shepard stopped for a moment and sent a glance towards Kaidan, that soft smile still on his lips, accompanied with a nod of his head. Then Shepard was gone, leaving Kaidan feeling more confused than before.

"Yo, LT, you okay?" Ashley asked, dumping down next to Kaidan on the couch, letting her arm fall over the back of the couch. She tilted her head and just studied the biotic.

"Yeah, I'm good," Kaidan answered after a moment, shaking his head some to clear his mind. "Just… got a lot on my mind, I guess."

"Sheesh. Do you never relax, Kaidan? You've going to go grey-haired before you're forty at this rate."

Almost as if he had to check, Kaidan's hand went for his head, running his fingers through the styled hair before it dropped again. "Yeah, I… I know, Ash, I know. I just… I dunno."

Ashley smiled some and let her other arm rest over the arm resting on the back of the couch, and then leaned forward to rest her chin on top of it. "… You know, you really are cute when you're not getting it."

"What do you mean?"

A chuckle escaped the gunnery chief. "You and the Commander, LT. You're so sweet on him that it's not even funny. It's enough sugar coming from the two of you that it's giving me cavities."

Kaidan let out a snort, but he couldn't stop the sudden burn that flared up on his cheeks, and worse part was that he had no idea why they were burning. He wasn't sweet on Shepard, he was his Commander for crying loud! His superior officer and a Spectre to boot.

And apparently he had said that out loud because Ashley just started laughing at him.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Oh, Kaidan," Ashley hiccupped, drying away a tear from her right eye as she tried to calm her laughter down. "Sometimes you're acting like everyone's dad, watching and taking care of everyone, and in the next you're like this teenager who's experiencing his first crush. It's downright adorable."

She flashed the biotic a smile and reached out to place a hand on his arm, squeezing it. "And really, Kaidan… You may not see it yourself and he may not see it, but… It's there. And for once… Live a little. Forget his title and his rank. Just think about the man, yeah?"

"I do think about the man, Ash. I know he's human, just like you and me."

"I know, Kaidan, but you are using his title and rank to shield yourself from a rather serious case of the flutters. And I say forget it. Embrace the flutters, I think you will find them rewarding in the end."

Kaidan frowned some, shaking his head as he got up from the couch. "Even if that was true, Ash, and I mean –if-, we couldn't. We're on a mission and we cannot be afforded to be distracted from it. Not when it's this important. Battle-field flirting is one thing, that's okay, but fraternization..? No. No way."

Ashley sighed and used her foot to kick Kaidan's ass, making him yelp in surprise before rubbing it. "Really, LT. I am going to find a damn rulebook and I am going to hit you over the head with it one day."

Then her expression softened as she just looked at Kaidan, and Kaidan couldn't help but look away. He was getting a little fed up with being the centre of people's attention today. "Ash…"

"Kaidan," she repeated before getting up, placing her hands on his shoulder and leaned up to rest her chin on her hands, head tilting against Kaidan's. "There's nothing wrong with falling for someone. And I can totally relate falling for the Commander. He's quite the guy. And really, I can't think of anyone who deserves a little more reason to smile than the two of you. Just live a little, LT. Being in the army doesn't mean you should be dead emotionally."

"Ash…"

For a moment he wondered how much Ashley knew about his past. Then he figured she knew as much as anyone else. His past wasn't a secret and they had shared a few belts on the Citadel, just talking, from time to time.

At least before Ashley got completely sloshed.

"Turn the frown upside down, eh? You're an honest guy. All you have to do is to be a little honest with yourself, okay?"

Then she left with a kiss to Kaidan's ear and a pinch to his rear, giving him one of her shit-eating grins before vanishing through the still open door.

Kaidan touched the spot she had kissed, just trying to feel if she had left something behind. Like a secret answer, a way to clear up his head, anything. In reality, he couldn't even feel the warmth from her lips, the warm kiss having vanished and melted with his own warm skin, merging and becoming a part of him.

Unlike the touch from Shepard's fingers. He could still feel that, the motion of the roughened fingers brushing over his skin. If he closed his eyes, he could swear that Shepard was there, caressing his arm.

"Be a little honest with myself, huh?" he murmured quietly, turning his head to look through the large window, watching the stars as they passed them.

That was easier said than done, really.

But… It couldn't hurt trying.

Could it?


	14. Chapter 14

**Cold:**

It was downright embarrassing.

Kaidan hadn't been sick since he was a child, not counting his health after BaAT, and yet here he was, coughing and sneezing, running a fever like a furnace, and all because of their mission at Noveria.

His mom really had been right. He should have put on a sweater underneath his under-suit no matter how uncomfortable he would have been.

He really was the shame of the people in Vancouver, he should be used to the cold. Resilient to it. He had grown up in the worse snowstorms Vancouver could dish out, shrugging it off like it was a summer-breeze.

He guessed there were some things he just couldn't protect himself from. The natural "heating system" in his body from his biotics may have kept him warm, but not even his best biotic shield could protect him from the invisible mini-terrorists that were currently creating havoc in his own system.

The biotic was stubborn though and a little snot hadn't stopped him before. So when his alarm-clock started howling for him to get up, he got up. It went slowly, but he got up. He felt dizzy, but he wasn't about to just lie down and admit defeat. He was an Alliance soldier, the pride of the fleet!

Getting dressed went as slowly as getting up did and he almost fell over trying to get his boots on, but he managed. He grimaced when he saw the flushed face in the mirror while fixing his hair, hoping it wasn't as red as he thought it was.

Flushing down a pill for his slowly emerging migraines and one for his fever with some water, and Kaidan saw himself as good to go, walking towards the mess-hall for a cup with coffee. Terrible taste or not, he felt he really needed it that morning so he could jump-start his system. He did have to start his shift after all, there was plenty of intel from Noveria he needed to chew his way through.

That's when things started getting a bit fuzzier for him.

He could barely remember Ash patting him on the shoulder and saying "looking like shit there, LT," as well as Garrus commenting on the interesting new shade of pale on his face. "I already was under the impression that your skin-tone was unusual for a human, but you look even paler now. Is it some sort of chemical reacting to something?"

Kaidan had merely blamed it on the slug they called coffee before heading to his work-station.

He could remember turning on his terminal, wincing as the sharp light made his eyes hurt for a moment before they adjusted.

He could remember that he'd doubled over to try and mask his coughing to the best of his abilities so the people passing him wouldn't stare too much.

He could not remember sagging over in his chair, breathing hard as his fever slowly climbed upwards, leaving him exhausted and barely awake to register the voices that suddenly appeared around him along with blurry shapes and shadows entering his vision before everything simply went black.

xoxoxoxox

Kaidan wasn't sure how much time had passed when he woke up again or why his chair was suddenly so very soft.

He let out a small trembling gasp as he felt something cold and wet against his face, breathing in sharply while opening his eyes.

"Easy, Kaidan. 's just me."

"C-commander..?"

Even with his vision slightly fussy, having not yet adjusted to the dim lights, he could recognise his Commander's blurry form.

"That is my rank, yes, last time I checked." He could hear the amused tone in Shepard's voice as the cold and wet cloth stroked over his forehead, dabbing away the sweat forming there.

He wanted to protest, but all he could muster out when opening his lips was coughing. Badly at that.

"Steady now, Kaidan. Here, have some water."

A straw was placed on his lips and Kaidan happily drank, trying to get rid of that itch that seemed to have festered inside his throat.

"There you go, don't choke now."

When the straw was removed, Kaidan let out a small cough before his breathing settled back to normal, save from the wheezing that seemed to come from his throat. "I'm sorry, Commander."

"Don't be silly, Kaidan." Shepard smiled as he settled back onto his chair, just watching the biotic. "You didn't exactly ask to turn sick. It happens to the best of us."

"It shouldn't have happened in the first place," Kaidan rasped out, and then coughed as the itching started up again.

Shepard merely smiled though and offered Kaidan more water.

"Some things just can't be controlled, Kaidan. Even though we wish we could control it."

Kaidan just let out a grunt at that, drinking his fill before settling back down against his pillow.

"You don't have to sit here, Commander," he said after a while, not looking at Shepard because he was feeling so god damned embarrassed. "I won't run away from the bed. …doubt I would get far anyway."

"It's okay, I got an hour to kill before my next shift," Shepard mused, making Kaidan smirk just a little bit.

"Though in all honesty, I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Apparently you went down rather fast."

"I'm very top-heavy," Kaidan replied, making Shepard chuckle. "Big implants and all that."

"I'm not surprised. Unlike many Alliance soldiers, your head's not exactly filled with hot air."

"I'll take that as a compliment, sir," Kaidan rasped, then blinked as Shepard shifted, leaning over to brush a curl away from Kaidan's sweaty forehead.

"You gave us a scare there, Kaidan. Gave me a scare. I had to make sure that you were okay."

If Kaidan's face wasn't already red from fever, he was sure he would have blushed. "It's just a cold, Shepard," he murmured, trying to smile some.

"Yes, but we didn't know that when you went down. You didn't tell anyone that you were feeling under the weather. Hell, for all I knew, it could have been your implants acting up. Garrus sends his best too, he feels a bit guilty that he didn't notice you being sick."

Kaidan let out a mix between a chuckle and a cough. "Mm… He's not exactly an expert on the human anatomy or physiology, is he," he murmured. "But tell him thanks anyway."

"I'll make sure to do that," Shepard mused, giving Kaidan a smile that made the biotics' heart skip a beat. "In a cool fashion of course. We're men, we're not supposed to care and all that."

"Manly men in a manly place," Kaidan agreed with a cough, though flashed Shepard a tired grin.

"Exactly," Shepard smirked as he got up from the chair, leaning over Kaidan as he pressed the underside of his arm against Kaidan's forehead to check his temperature.

"Try getting some rest, okay? Ashley's already having some chicken soup whipped up for you. Or… Well. Pinch your nose, close your eyes and pretend its chicken soup, I don't trust the labels on those damn powder-packs. I'll drop by later with some cough-syrup from Chakwas as well as something for the fever."

"You really don't have to," Kaidan protested weakly, but Shepard just gave Kaidan that small, warm smile of his. The one he showed all too rarely in Kaidan's mind.

"I know I don't have to. But I want to. Just focus on getting better, okay? I suspect we will be dry-docked for a couple of days once we hit the Citadel so you don't have to worry about missing work. There will be enough waiting for you when you get better."

"I am already looking forward to it," Kaidan murmured, trying to smile, but he was feeling his energy rapidly vanishing.

Seeing how tired the lieutenant was, Shepard seemed to not wanting to steal more of his energy as he straightened up. "I'll let you get some shut-eye. Seem like you need it."

Kaidan just let out a small grunt as he slowly started to drift off, barely able to keep himself awake enough to know that Shepard was there.

As he closed his eyes, he could have sworn he felt Shepard's hand on his forehead for a moment before it was stroking against his cheek in an almost tenderly fashion, almost like that time in the Star Observation room.

It lingered for a second or two before he heard Shepard pull away, his footsteps slowly moving away from his bed and towards what he guessed was the door.

"Rest well, Kaidan."

Then the door slid open, followed by a few more steps and the sound of the door closing again, leaving Kaidan in the semi-darkness and silence.

"… Thank you, Shepard."


	15. Chapter 15

**Warmth:**

Kaidan had never been one for parties, especially not when he was still recovering from his cold.

Chakwas had found it downright funny that he'd been that knocked out by a simple cold, describing it as a "man-cold", which Kaidan didn't quite get. A cold was a cold, right, no matter who it happened to blossom in.

Still, it was nice to get the offer and he had to admit that the pout on Ashley's face had been a cute one when he said no.

"I'll make it up to you when we are done at Virmire. I promise."

"I'll hold you to that, LT," she had grinned before tugging Tali and Shepard along with her.

The Normandy was surprisingly silent every time the crew got shore-leave, and Kaidan was enjoying it to the max. Rumours had it that their next mission on Virmire would be a big one so this was probably the last chance people would have to blow off some steam.

Or do like Kaidan and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Armed with a book, an actually paper-back book and a cup with tea, Kaidan retreated to the star observation-room for some serious R and R: rest and relaxation.

There was nothing more soothing, he found, than sitting in the slightly darkened room, with the stars behind you, watching the ships move past the large window. Maybe not the most exciting thing, but it did miracles on a tired soldier's mind.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard the first noises of people returning from their shore-leave. A quick look at his omnitool told him that it was close to midnight, so he guessed it was the people who had the first shifts that were returning.

However, he didn't expect Commander John Shepard to enter the Star Observation room, a slight flush on his cheeks and a happy smile on his lips. "Hey, Kaidan. Had a feeling I would find you here."

"It's either here or by my work-station," Kaidan mused while closing the book he had been reading. "I didn't expect you to come back this early, Shepard."

Shepard chuckled some as he entered the room and only now could Kaidan see the two bottles of what seemed to be beer, hanging by their necks between Shepard's fingers. "Yeah, I wasn't quite feeling it tonight. I was quite the cheap date though. Didn't take more than two beers before I was feeling rather… Happy."

Kaidan smirked and nodded his head towards the two bottles in his hands. "Even before you opened them?"

"Ah, no. This-," Shepard said, taking one of the bottle with his other hand and handed it to Kaidan. "-is for you. I was thinking about you, being sick and all, and thought we could share a beer in peace."

The happy smiled turned a bit more insecure as Kaidan just looked at the bottle, then tugged into a wider smile when the biotic reached out to take the bottle.

"That's nice of you, Shepard. Thank you."

"Everyone deserves a shore-leave after what we've been through. Even if you can't leave the ship."

Kaidan just grinned and reached out to snatch Shepard's bottle. One flick of a wrist later, bottle-cap against bottle-cap, and Kaidan had the beer open, handing Shepard's bottle back to the commander as he sat down onto the other chair by the small table.

"… Neat."

"I do know more than filing reports and shooting a gun," Kaidan mused while placing the opening to his lips, tipping the bottle upwards and letting the bitter, cool liquid fill his mouth before swallowing.

"I'd say," Shepard mused as he copied Kaidan's movements, but his eyes never left Kaidan's direction. Or rather, Kaidan's face.

"So… What were you reading? Another romance-novel?"

"Actually no," Kaidan chuckled, holding the book up for Shepard to see. "Ever heard of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?"

"Author of Sherlock Holmes, no," Shepard asked before his lips tugged into a grin. "And no, I did not read the label, but yes. I am guessing I am right?"

"Spot on," Kaidan grinned while putting the book onto the table between them. "It's a classing, despite its age. Timeless. A good mystery, deductions, character studies of the main character… I like it."

"Might have to read it, when I have the time," Shepard said, reaching over to open the book onto the first page.  
"I feel like such an uncultured barbarian next to you," he murmured, smiling some as he closed the book again. "You've read and seen so much, done so much. I am amazed over the brain-capacity you have. If it was me, my brain would have exploded."

Kaidan chuckled and took a small swig from his beer. "I don't think it has so much to do with capacity as it has to do with… Range of interest, I suppose. Or rather, problems settling on just one or two things. It's a luxury problem, really. Having too much to do or see or wanting to try."

"I never had that problem, really," Shepard confessed. "It's… Well. Comes with being a street-brat, I guess. I only had basic wants and needs, which was more or less survival."

"You did well on that though," Kaidan murmured before holding his bottle out, smiling at Shepard. "Here's to living another day."

"And kicking Saren's ass," Shepard added as he clinked his bottle against Kaidan's in a gentle toast.

"All in due time," Kaidan mused before they both started drinking in a more comfortable silence, just looking through the large window, watching as the ships passed the Normandy, on their way to the docks.

"I like that about you though."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, turning his head to look at Shepard. "Hmm?"

"You. And your hobbies, I mean," Shepard said, adding the latter quickly. "You're so… Passionate about it. I can tell that it makes you happy and relaxed. Makes me want to pick up something myself."

"Well, it's never too late. Just think about something you like and are interested in, something that will keep your mind focused."

Shepard nodded his head slowly. "Something I like and am interested in," he repeated softly, letting the head of his bottle rest against his lips.

"Some take years to find a hobby. As long as you find something you like, then that's all that matters," Kaidan said, smiling gently at Shepard. "Can be anything from collecting old stamps to napkin's from restaurants. My mom used to collect spoons from different countries on Earth for a while."

The smile he was given in return as the Commander looked at him was enough to make his body feel warm, and it wasn't due to the beer. That much he could admit.

"I'll give it a thought," Shepard finally said, turning to look through the large window again. "But first, we have to find Saren and make sure he can't do… Whatever he's planning to do. Hopefully, once we go to Virmire, it'll all be over and done with."

"Would be nice. Our routine-mission has been dragging for quite a while now," Kaidan mused while finishing his beer, placing the empty bottle into the table.

"Any regrets so far, Kaidan?"

"Nah." Kaidan let his lips tug into a small, sober smile. "I mean, having Jenkins still with us would have been great. But besides his unfortunate death… I mean, we've met some amazing people, seen some amazing things. Things I never dreamed I would actually get a chance to see. Though I probably could have died a happy man if I had never seen the Geth," he added with a chuckle.

"Well, it's not over until the fat lady sings," Shepard reminded him, placing his own bottle next to Kaidan's. "But once it's over… I'm taking everyone out. Beer, steak, the whole deal. We'll celebrate. Make a night out of it."

"Everyone, huh? Sure your wallet can take that? I eat for two."

"You've earned it. And really, we all deserve a raise and a bonus after this," Shepard chuckled, giving Kaidan a downright lazy grin.

"I'll keep that in mind," Kaidan murmured, placing his elbow onto the table and held his hand up, fingers curled into a fist.

Shepard seemed to get the message, copying the biotics' hand before bumping the side of his fist against Kaidan's.

"After Virmire. That's a promise."

"After Virmire," Kaidan echoed.

Shepard nodded and, as Kaidan put his hand down onto the table, he let his own join the biotics', their fingers touching. Caressing even.

"After the group-fest," the Commander said in a low voice, not looking at Kaidan as he spoke. "I'd like to do something together. You and me."

Kaidan swallowed some, not looking at Shepard. He didn't pull his hand away either though. It felt nice, almost natural. Like it was supposed to be, even if it was a very small gesture.

"After Virmire," he repeated and, from the corner of his eyes, he saw Shepard nod his head.

"Yeah. After Virmire."

After Virmire.


	16. Chapter 16

**Ashley:**

Kaidan was feeling sick to his stomach. It felt like a big lump was stuck in his throat and the guilt was tearing at him from the inside. There was a taste of copper in his mouth as he fought to keep the damn protein bars down, just so he had something to run on. He couldn't afford to break down, not now.

Especially not now.

But it was hard to keep going, when the guilt and the questions were gnawing at him from the inside until his body was trembling.

That small voice in his head that kept asking "why?" Why him? Why her?

It was almost worse to think that Ashley would have berated Kaidan for thinking this way.

"Chin up, LT, it was the right thing to do. Fight my battle for me and make it a good one. I got no regrets. Live for me, but don't you dare dying for me."

That's what she would say, if she had a voice anymore.

The decision was weighing on everybody, but Kaidan could see that it was weighing the most on Shepard.

The one that had to make that final command. That final decision. His Gunnery Sergeant or his Staff Lieutenant.

Kaidan or Ashley.

Kaidan had confronted Shepard once about it. Wondering why him. Wondering if it was because of his rank, because of his abilities and capabilities or if it was because of him. Because of them. While they were still not talking about it, neither of them were denying it either.

There was something there. Something between them, steadily growing, held back only by rank, rules and the mission.

Shepard had given him a straight answer and Kaidan wasn't sure if he liked it or not.

A mix of everything.

Kaidan halfway wondered if the feelings were the only thing that had saved him from taking Ashley's fate. He doubted he was better than Ashley in any way save for rank. And what was a rank really, when it came down to things.

Ashley could outgun him with her eyes closed, but Kaidan could have her pinned to the ground before she could pull the trigger in more than one way.

They were equals, at least in his mind.

The situation, it sent his mind spinning. Sent the entire world spinning. And with it, he could feel that tight control he had, everything he thought he knew, thought he could handle, and thought he could _control_…

There were already cracks in his control, had been since the meeting they'd had when they returned from Virmire, and he had no idea how to mend them because nothing in the little soldier's hand-book had taught him about this situation. This very special situation that Kaidan had thought he would never be forced to experience.

Kaidan wasn't a fool; he knew there were things, many things, which were beyond his control. He wasn't God and if he was, he would make a crap one.

So he decided to stop thinking as a human, stop thinking as a man, and simply think as a soldier. Start dealing like a soldier.

He let the sadness and the anxiety turn into rage and in turn, that rage was unleashed on the heavy sparring-bag they had down in the cargo-hold.

No biotics. No fancy tricks. Just his hands, his fists and his mood against the heavy sack.

It was empty in the cargo-hold when he started his sparring, Wrex and Garrus respecting his need for privacy and leaving him alone.

It was bittersweet because there was one lacking from the area. One that had given her life so that he could live.

That just added fuel to the fire and soon the biotic was fighting his own war, his own demon, focusing them onto the bag for only God knew how long.

"Kaidan, take it easy. That bag never did anything to anyone. Save it for Saren and Sovereign instead."

Kaidan didn't need to turn in order to know that Shepard was there, looking at him. He could almost guess how he was standing. Leaning against the MAKO, arms crossed over his chest, a tired look on his face.

He knew Shepard hadn't rested since they left Virmire, having contacted Ashley's family in order to give the news himself, handing all the arrangements the best he could. They had no body to offer, but Shepard had wanted to make sure that her belongings were given to them.

"Apologizes, Commander," Kaidan grunted, swinging a left hook into the bag, making it sway. "But it's either the bag or the ship's walls."

"Cut the Commander-crap, Kaidan. And stop that, your knuckles are already raw. I can see it from here. Don't make them bleed as well."

Kaidan gritted his teeth and stopped his swings, turning around to send a glare at Shepard. He wasn't angry at him, not really, but without the bag to take his rage, Shepard was, unfortunately, the next best target right now.

"And do what, Commander? Sit up in my room and stew in my own thought? No thanks."

"I said, cut the crap, Alenko," Shepard snapped back as he pushed himself away from the MAKO, taking quick, long steps over to the biotic. He grasped Kaidan hard by the shoulder and stuck his own face inches away from his, looking into the stormy brown eyes.

"You are not yourself right now, I get it. None of us are. But I will not let you fall victim to your own guilt because you don't have a damn thing to feel guilty about other than the fact that Ashley had to die, a guilt that is shared equally by us all. So don't you go hogging more than your share."

"With all due respect, Commander-"

"No."

It wasn't loud, it wasn't angry, but it was firm and direct, accompanied by the intense stare from two blue eyes.

That was when Kaidan realised how heavy they both were breathing. How much they struggled keeping themselves in check, inches away from either punching each other or starting to make out because of the intense emotions that were going through them both.

Kaidan felt his Adam's apple bob in his throat, finding it hard to swallow with Shepard looking at him like that.

The Commander seemed to sense this since he broke the gaze and looked down, inhaling deeply.

"… I am sorry."

"No, Shepard, no…" Now it was Kaidan's turn to reach out, placing his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "… Don't be, I… You're right, I'm not myself right now, I…"

He sighed and looked down, removing the hand from Shepard's shoulder slowly. "… I just feel… Like I have done something wrong. That we…"

"Don't, Kaidan," Shepard murmured, finally releasing that tight grip on Kaidan's shoulder. "We haven't done anything wrong. Ash, she… She knew. She knew what she was asking for, what she was doing. It's Saren that should get the blunt end of our anger. Saren, Sovereign and the damn Reapers."

"That doesn't make the guilt feel any less, Shepard," Kaidan mumbled, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where Shepard had grabbed him with his hand.

"I know, Kaidan. I know. It's not easy, not for you, not for me and certainly not for her. Because in that moment, I had to look at you as soldiers instead of as my friends. As my…"

Shepard shook his head, pinching the bridge between his eyes. "Nobody wants to die. I don't want to die, you don't want to die and Ashley didn't want to die. But we are all ready to give our lives for the cause, to win this battle. That's how Ash gave her life and she gave it proudly. But for you and me…"

The look Shepard gave Kaidan was one of pure pain and Kaidan could finally see just how much the Commander was hurting.

"We go out there and we face death everyday. We know it could be the last battle and we prepare for it. But what happened on Virmire… That wasn't a normal battle. That was… That was a choice. A shit one. Because I knew that I could not save you both no matter how much I wanted to. And that's what's eating on you, on me. Knowing that one -had- to die, in order for us to live… There was no way around it. Nothing we could have done in order to prevent it."

"John…"

Shepard shook his head before grasping Kaidan by the chin, making him look into Shepard's eyes. "… Don't let that sacrifice be in vain, Kaidan. Don't let her rage at us from… Wherever she is now. Because she is."

The grasp turned tender as the roughened fingers slid over Kaidan's jaw and cheek. "… I would have made the same choice again. For many reasons. Not because she was worth less in any way. But because I am a selfish human being and, sadly, a very practical one. For this mission… You are my choice. In combat… And to keep me sane."

That just made Kaidan's heart skip a beat and he prayed that his cheeks wasn't as warm as they felt. "John…"

John gave Kaidan a small, pained smile before the hand was removed. "… I am sorry. I'm not quite myself either," he murmured softly. "This entire thing, ever since the start, it's… it's been eating on me. The Prothean beacon, Saren, the geth and now this."

The Commander let out a bitter chuckle as he shook his head. "It sounds like a bad Blasto-movie."

"Shepard. Now you stop it," Kaidan said, offering Shepard an equally tired and pained smile. "No taking more of your share of the guilt. Right?"

He reached out his hand to the Commander. A silent offer of support. Of being something to lean against, even if they were both crumbling a little. They could keep each other up.

"We'll make them pay. All off them. And we'll make Ash proud of us. We're so close now. When we deliver everything, the council will have to mobilize around us. It will be a fitting tribute to Ash if we were able to rally everyone together after the Council."

Shepard looked at the hand before his eyes met Kaidan's. He let out a small chuckle before clasping Kaidan firmly around the lower arm, Kaidan's own hand wrapping itself around the commanders' and squeezing.

"It's been a struggle," he replied. "But we've earned their respect now."

"And you've been in the forefront even back in the Blitz," Kaidan reminded him, giving their grip a good shake. "You'll probably get another Star of Terra out of this," he added with a small grin.

The laugh he got from Shepard was definitely worth it, even if the distraction was a horrible one.

"Keep that in mind after all of this is over," he mused before the grin turned almost… seductive. "I will be tracking your shore-leave, mister."

Kaidan chuckled and he couldn't help the smirk that tugged on his own lips. "I was kind of hoping that the shore-leave would be joined," he murmured, raising one eyebrow.

"I bet you say that to all your commanding officers,"

That's when Kaidan noticed that their hands were still around each others' lower arms. Shepard's fingers were caressing over the skin on the underside of Kaidan's arm, giving him Goosebumps. It was amazing how that hand, that gun-roughened and battle-worn hand, was capable of such a tender touch.

Kaidan wasn't backing away though. Not this time.

"Well-," he started, still smirking as he took one step closer to Shepard, their arms pressing against their abdomen now. "-ever since I heard the Captain's mess gets better food."

Shepard chuckled before that seductive smile turned gentler. "You haven't had the easiest life," he spoke in a soft voice, fingers still caressing over Kaidan's arm. "But I like the man it's made you."

"Please, Commander, you'll make me blush."

Kaidan's eyes flicked downwards for a moment before he decided 'to hell with it'. If Ash had died because of whatever there was between him and Shepard, then by God. He wasn't going to let that go to waste.

"No bull, Shepard," he said after a few seconds, voice determined. "I want to follow through with this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty, but when the mission is complete… It will be different."

He let a smile grace over his lips, one of hope. "At least I hope so."

The smile that appeared on Shepard's lips was answer enough, but hearing the words…

"That sounds wonderful, Lieutenant."

Shepard squeezed his arm before nodding his head towards the elevator. "But in the meantime, we save the galaxy. And get some chow. I know you haven't been eating since… Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Come on," Shepard mused as they started walking together. "Let's silence that stomach of yours before the entire galaxy hears it.

Kaidan laughed and gave Shepard a nudge, feeling a strange sort of relief just from that.

The guilt wasn't gone, very far from it. There was still a load on Kaidan's shoulders, on both their shoulders. Heck, on the entire Normandy's shoulders, but that's what the crew was there for. To help shoulder that load together so that it wouldn't be so heavy.

The guilt would probably never go away. Ash would always be on Kaidan's mind and quite frankly, she was supposed to be. She'd give them that determination they sorely needed now so that her death wouldn't be in vain. Both on the battle-field and after.

With that in mind and with what he and Shepard had just talked about, what they had just shared, Kaidan was ready to do just about everything.

All they had to do now was to get the council to listen.


	17. Chapter 17

_(Author's Note: Sorry for the long delay in getting this out; life and exams got in the way. Now that I am getting close to finishing them, I have finally gotten time to write something down. It turned a bit long, but I felt that it was a good thing, seeing as it has been close to a month (or has it been over, I honestly cannot remember. X.x I am so sorry) without a written word._

_So... Enjoy this "little" fic! Hopefully more will follow it!)_

**Fire:  
**

What they had discovered on Virmire was more than big. It was downright terrifying and they had approached the Council with an air of urgency and desperation.**  
**That's why it was so damn hard to see Shepard so angry, so defeated when the Council blew them off.

Despite their best efforts, despite the overwhelming amount of evidence, of witnesses, the Council had grounded them.

They dismissed everything as a very clever lie made up by Saren, a distraction created from his true goal. To attack the Citadel. They no longer needed to find out what this Conduit was or to stop the Geth because of it, which told Kaidan that the Council had taken Saren's bait including the hook, line and sinker. On dry land.

Shepard had, of course, called them out on it, but the results were clear. They were forbidden to go anywhere until the Council lifted the restrictions.

So now Kaidan just watched Shepard as the Commander paced by the lockers outside the med-bay, fiddling with the lock on his own locker, then gave up and gave it a hard punch before going right back to fiddling.  
Seeing Shepard like this… Kaidan didn't like it. And he had no idea what he could do to make it better.

But he had to do something. Anything.

Kaidan really hated going into situations without a plan, but what could you do when the "situation" was someone you cared deeply for being in distress?

With a deep breath, he walked over to the lockers as Shepard kneeled down, trying to get the door open. He could see the Commander jump as he came closer, clearly having been in his own world.

Kaidan really couldn't blame him. Not when the world, every world and the universe in general was in deep shit if Saren's plan succeeded.

With a sigh, Shepard turned around so he could sit with his back against the lockers, looking up at Kaidan with a look that made the biotic want to walk straight to the Council and give them a piece of his mind.

Heck, he would have done just that if it thought it would do them even a little bit of good.

"Commander, are you okay," he asked instead, then instantly regretted it. It was a terrible thing to say, it was clear that Shepard was not okay.

"I'm sure there's a way to appeal," he added quickly. "We're under Alliance authority after all, not the Council."

"The official channels are closed," Shepard bit out, one hand tightening into a fist as he rested it onto his right knee. "They were -quite- about that."

Kaidan couldn't help but wince when he heard the bitterness in Shepard's voice. The commander didn't have a black raincloud over his head, he had a full-fledged hurricane, but Kaidan knew that the only person that would be washed away by that hurricane was Shepard himself. That was the kind of man Shepard was.

"Closed," he repeated. "And we're supposed to accept that." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He knew that and Shepard knew that.

"So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out we may as well get a good seat," he added dryly, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his own words. His mother was right; he really did have a dark sense of humour at the worse possible times. Came with being a BaAT brat, Kaidan guessed.

"We're out of the game for now," Shepard muttered, closing his eyes as he pinched the bridge between them. Kaidan was willing to bed that Shepard was fighting off a head-ache of his own, at least by the looks of it. There was a small break, a small hesitation before Shepard spoke again.

"I need you to be there while I figure things out."

"You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander."

Shepard chuckled a little bit before he opened his eyes again and looked up at Kaidan. "Come on, Kaidan," he murmured, voice warmer now. "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

It was a simple sentence. One that could easily be said from one friend to another.

But the way it was said, in addition to who said it and it was enough to send worlds spinning. Or rather, it sent Kaidan's world spinning.

Shepard… Needed him.

Shepard needed -him-.

Staff Commander John Shepard, the hero of Elysium, N7 graduate, the first human Spectre… Needed him.

In a way, that was completely unbelievable. Men like Shepard didn't need people like Kaidan. Not like that. Men like Shepard had their shit together. They were tough. Larger than life.

But when looking at it, thinking about it… Kaidan believed it. Because Shepard knew that wasn't true. He wasn't larger than life, he wasn't superman. He was just a man. One man given an almost impossible task. He was the man who was willing to get his hands dirty for the sake of others, but he also knew he couldn't do it alone. If he could have done it, Kaidan was sure that Shepard would have done this on his own, but not because he didn't trust people.

It was because he didn't want to risk more lives.

But Shepard was no fool either. The Commander knew that the entire mission rested on the joined forces of the crew.

That didn't mean that he didn't need something, or someone, to hold him up while he did this mission.

And Kaidan wanted to be that person, if he could.

After Ash's death, he had sworn to himself that he wasn't going to waste whatever it was that was happening between him and Shepard, but it was hard. Releasing the control he had on himself…

"Yeah, I always leave a way out, you know that," Kaidan said instead, realising just seconds later how true his words were. Even now, he tried to leave a way out.

Not for himself, but for Shepard.

"I'm here for you," he added quickly, not wanting for Shepard to catch his blunder. "But we are in a rough spot, and the last thing I wanna do is muddy things."

Kaidan sighed, shaking his head some. "Like it was all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not. Are we valued agents or just peons."

Shepard gave Kaidan a look, his lips tugged in a tired smile. "Can't just pull out a good, old fashioned 'It will be alright,' can you?"

Kaidan gave a small chuckle of his own. "It's that easy, huh?" he asked before shrugging his shoulders. "Okay then. 'Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out,'" he added, making his voice as serious as he could. It made the words more unbelievable, but it made Shepards' smile bigger and warmer. That in itself was a victory for Kaidan.

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"I could get used to it," the biotic mused before looking at Shepard with a smaller, more serious smile. "I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh," he added in a more soft tone as he reached his hand out to Shepard to help him stand.

He wasn't sure what had inspired him to say that, but it felt right. No running. No leaving a way out, but opening up a new path.

Shepard gave him a curious look before taking Kaidan's hand to pull himself up. Kaidan expected for Shepard to pull along with him so added a bit of force to it, which sent the Commander bumping into him.

Not that that was a bad thing.

Not at all.

The first thing that hit him was that Shepard was very close to him. Very close. In his personal space. And he did not mind at all. He looked at him and the Commander looked back, blue eyes meeting brown.

Shepard's hand, which he had used to support himself as he bumped into the biotic, had remained on Kaidan's shoulder and was now used to pull him in closer.

They were so close, so painfully close to one another. Shepard's eyes were dragging him in, devouring him whole and Kaidan was all to willing to let himself get lost. Before he could allow himself to think, he leaned in towards Shepard, slowly to let the Commander change his mind. Just in case. Leaving a way out.

Instead he felt warm air over his lips as he closed his eyes. His lips parted before he could stop himself, he was more than ready to feel that mouth pressed against his own. He had wondered for some time if the Commander's lips were as hard as the man they belonged to or if they were as soft as they looked, and now he could get that answer.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. You got a message from Captain Anderson."

… He was more than ready to kill Joker by now and if Shepard's amused face was anything to go by, Kaidan bet that his own face mirrored his thoughts.

'Later,' Shepard mouthed as they pulled way before looking up towards the nearest Com-point. "What did he want?"

Kaidan just bit his tongue to prevent himself from adding to the conversation. Instead he rubbed his hand over his neck, trying his best not to look like a naughty kid. Not that he thought Joker would squeal. He wasn't that kind of guy.

"Only said to meet him in that club in the Wards. Flux."

"Well, I guess you better go then," Kaidan said, unable to keep the annoyance out of his voice. God, he sounded like a five-year old who had been told to go to bed while playing…

"I better," Shepard confirmed before smiling at Kaidan, touching his arm. "And you are coming with me, Kaidan. Something tells me I'll want you in on this. Heck, go get Garrus too. As much as I want to make this into a date, we might need him as well."

"Yes, Commander," Kaidan said, automatically slipping back into soldier-mode, but the smile on his face mirrored Shepard's own.

Neither of them had any plans on letting what had almost happen be forgotten.

For now… That was enough.

xoxoxoxox

They were going to be lined up in front of a firing squad.

For all they had done, they would be lucky if they got a damn blindfold before the trigger was pulled.

Not only had they broken the Council's word, they had broken the Alliance's rules and by the sound of it, Anderson had punched Udina.

It had been a long time since anyone on the Normandy had had a laugh like that when the rumour spread.

Now they were on their way to Ilos, in a stolen ship, ready to face down Saren unless it was too late and Kaidan… Kaidan loved every moment of it.

Sure, the thought of breaking the rules downright sucked, but they were all in this together and he knew that they were in the right. It was this or watch as the entire universe burned as the Reapers came back.

This was the right thing to do.

Hopefully this would be the last battle; Kaidan didn't want Ilos to turn into another Virmire. The thought of making Shepard choose again… It downright hurt.

But for now, everything was set, the wheels were in motion.

Nothing could stop them now.

There was only one more thing for Kaidan to do, before it was possibly too late for both of them. Something that had everything and nothing to do with the mission.

Something personal.

It was the first time Kaidan had even considered doing something like this, something this selfish, but he reminded himself that there was another person's feelings at stake here, not only his own.

He walked towards Shepards' office, taking quick, long steps before he could change his mind and chicken out. He didn't even buzz the door, he just entered. He wasn't very surprised that it was unlocked; Shepard was a fan of the open-door policy.

Again, that was just the kind of man Shepard was. His door was always open for everyone.

"Commander?"

Wow… Thirty-two years old and his voice was still able to crack at the most awkward of times. Some things never changed.

If Shepard noticed, he had the grace not to comment. Instead he simply turned his head and gave Kaidan a small, tired smile before he rose from his chair. "Don't you think we're a little past title," he murmured as he closed the distance between them.

Kaidan just swallowed, feeling overwhelmed by the presence of Shepard so close. He couldn't even stop himself as that tight control slapped into place, pushing him into soldier-mode. "We're a little past a lot of things," he said, inhaling deeply as he looked dead into Shepard's eyes, locking brown with blue.

"What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard," he blurted out after a brief pause. "We mutinied, stole a proto-type warship. If they wanted to get technical they can throw in kidnapping." The last was added with a small chuckle as Kaidan's lips tugged into a small, crocked smile. Leave it to him to look at the dark side of things.

"We're one hell of an example of humanities best and brightest, huh?"

Shepard chuckled and glanced away, rolling his eyes some. "I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing," he murmured before glancing back at Kaidan, that tired smile back on his lips. "I don't believe me yet."

The biotic let out a small chuckle of his own, shaking his head at the dryness of Shepard's humour. Some things really didn't change.

"Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here," he murmured, smirking some before letting his expression sober up some.

"It will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos." He inhaled sharply. He had already avoided his true intent from the second he had entered Shepard's cabin. No more beating around the bush. That wasn't the way he worked.

"If things don't go well, I want you to know… Well." He looked into Shepard's eyes as he took a step closer towards Shepard to… He didn't know what yet. Something. Anything.

"I've enjoyed serving under you."

"Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago," Shepard replied as he took a step towards Kaidan, bringing them mere inches away from each other. He lifted a hand and grasped Kaidan's before looking more directly into the biotics' eyes. If Kaidan didn't know better he would think that Shepard was challenging him, but there was something else in those blue eyes. A question… A personal request.

Kaidan nodded and Shepard smiled, tugging Kaidan those final inches towards him before releasing his hand in favour of wrapping his am around Kaidan's lean waist instead. Their faces were so close to one another, their lips just inches away. Kaidan almost felt drunk of Shepard's scent; eezo, gun-oil, his own, musky scent. If Shepard's face was anything to go by, the Commander felt the same way.

"Don't you think it's time to act like it?"

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard," Kaidan murmured, bringing his hands to Shepard's shoulders, squeezing them. Not quite daring to bring them together just yet.

"There are regs against fraternization." Then he snorted as he listened to his own words. Again he was leaving a way out, even when he didn't want it. Making excuses, bringing up possible exits for them both to use. He really, really had to stop that and Shepard seemed to agree as the arm around his waist seemed to tighten.

No more running away. No way out.

"Huh. I supposed breech of protocol will be pretty far down on the list of charges at our courts-martial," he mused before pressing a hand against Shepard's cheek.

"You know what," he whispered, ridding himself of that last wall. That last line of defence. It was just him and Shepard now. To hell with protocol and regs. To hell with that tight control he had on himself. He wanted to do this right or he would regret it for the rest of his life, no matter how long or short that life would be.

"You're right. About everything. I think about loosing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again, but you and I. We are important right now. And this is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you… You make me feel…"

Kaidan swallowed. He was just going to leave himself bare, no defences. No control. Shepard already knew his biggest insecurities, his secrets. He knew everything, everything that made Kaidan tick. It scared Kaidan shitless, but as the words slipped from his mouth he felt strangely… Liberated. Free.

"You make me feel human."

Shepard inhaled sharply, seemingly understanding what a big deal this was for Kaidan. Leaving himself this open for someone, this vulnerable.

The Commander knew how much like freaks a human biotic felt like, how judged they had been and still was. Unpredictable, scary. Unnatural. Kaidan had told him everything about that, how BaAT had tried to alienate young human biotics from their family, from their friends. Had tried to de-socialise them, make them cold. Unfeeling. How it had almost worked on him, but not quite. Just enough to leave scars. Just enough to make him unable to open up to most.

He wanted Shepard to see him as he was. Just a human being with scars on his soul, with flaws and a very special talent for lifting things with his mind and manipulating dark matter to suit his needs.

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan," Shepard whispered. "With me."

The implications were as clear as glass and that was terrifying in its own way.

"Is that an order, Commander," Kaidan replied, bringing his hands to Shepard's neck, thumbs caressing over his throat. Shepard lifted his head some, baring it further to Kaidan.

Complete and utter trust.

"Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe. And right now?" Shepard straightened his head again and looked straight into Kaidan's eyes. No bull.

"I kind of have to."

Kaidan swallowed. "This can't change anything, Shepard," he whispered, leaning in so close that he could feel Shepard's warm breath on his lips. "This is a good crew. The finest I have served with. I don't want to mess it up."

Shepard had apparently had enough of Kaidan's excuses because the next thing that happen was that the Commander's lips was finally on his as he was dragged into a hot and downright desperate kiss.

Everything went automatically from there. Hands were roaming, the kisses were hard and deep. He could feel Shepard's hands around him, all over him and Kaidan was trying his best to give back, wanting to touch and taste Shepard just as badly.

Eager hands undid his belt buckle before sliding up underneath Kaidan's shirt, gripping at the bare flesh as he was crushed against Shepard's strong body.

What did surprise the biotic somewhat was how willing he was to surrender himself to the Commander. It wasn't even a question in his mind. Shepard needed him and Kaidan was ready, willing and wanting to do whatever it took in order to bring Shepard some joy, some relaxation. Anything he could.

It wasn't a question about who took what role, about submitting or dominating. It wasn't about that.

It was all about giving. And Kaidan could definitely give Shepard this.

Kaidan wasn't sure when they had turned around, but he soon found himself on his back on Shepard's bed, owner of said bed following. Not once had they stopped kissing and he could feel warm puffs of air against his cheek from Shepard's nose. Kaidan was sure he was being just as "elegant".

He let out a small whine as Shepard's lips vanished from his, but the sound was muffled as his shirt was tugged over his head. A new, brief kiss was pressed to his lips before said lips moved over his cheek, down his jaw, his neck, making Kaidan squirm and moan from the pleasure. It felt like Shepard was trying to map every part of his body with his hands and lips, and all Kaidan could do was lay there and try not do pass out from the pleasure.

Man, it really had been a while since last time. He was already rock-hard, his cock pressing against his breeches, and either Shepard had a gun in his pocket or he was just as happy to see him.

When the first waves of biotics flashed over Kaidan's skin, Shepard pulled away, hovering over Kaidan with a somewhat owlish look on his face. Kaidan opened his own eyes and stared at Shepard before they both started laughing.

"Sorry, it's… It's been awhile," Kaidan chuckled while Shepard rubbed his fingers over his own lips.

"That tickled. My lips feel kinda numb."

Kaidan smirked and sat up, placing a hand against Shepard's neck. "Allow me to remedy that," he murmured before he claimed Shepard's lips in a new kiss, pushing him down onto the bed and returning the favour with his own hands.

While it was hardly their first rodeo in the sack, it was the first time with each other, and Kaidan was fairly sure it was Shepard's first time with a man.

As for himself, he'd only been with a handful of people in his life, men and women alike. Two he couldn't remember, one he wanted to forget and three he had genuinely cared about. It didn't matter to him what the plumbing was, sexuality wasn't exactly a big deal anymore. Not with the wide spectre of races you could choose from these days.

Kaidan's "observation" wasn't based on any lack of technique or skills, but rather the way Shepard touched him; very gently, like he was afraid that Kaidan would break and crumble under his touch.

Not that Kaidan was complaining. It was special to be caressed in such a way, especially since Kaidan knew what Shepards' hands could do. Shepard wasn't a biotic like he was, but he was a soldier. An N7. Hands that were roughened from battle and hardship, now sliding over the biotics' lean body and bringing him to new heights he couldn't remember having experienced before.

Still, Kaidan knew what he liked, how he liked it and when he liked it. And he'd like some right now.

In the end, Kaidan had to push Shepard down and grind his ass against Shepard's dick in order to make him realise that no, he wasn't fragile and no, he wasn't going to break, before the Commander took the hint. Once the awkwardness was out of the way, there was a strange, almost familiar round of horse-play going around as they kissed, nipped, gripped and grinded against one another, rolling around on the bed and almost falling out at one point.

It was downright hilarious.

When Shepard finally pressed himself into Kaidan, the biotic was sure he had died and gone to heaven. He hadn't even thought about it when Shepard had located the lotion from his nightstand (apparently the great Commander Shepard suffered from chafing and cracked elbows), he had merely snatched it from Shepard's hands. The look Shepard had given him had been one of curiosity, and then of realisation and Kaidan had almost started laughing as he had almost watched as the wheels were turning in Shepard's head as he slicked the Commanders' fingers up for him.

At least Shepard hadn't needed a point to point explanation on what to do when Kaidan had lay back down onto the bed and spread his legs for him.

Taking the role as bottom just… sounded right. He had been on the receiving end before and if this really was Shepard's first time with a man, then Kaidan didn't want to waste precious time on something Shepard might not even enjoy. Kaidan knew he enjoyed it so it was just easier. Easier and it just felt… right.

Once inside him, Shepard stopped up, breathing hard as he looked down at Kaidan. Kaidan looked right back, wrapping his arms around Shepard's neck, pulling him down for a hot kiss. "You okay," the Commander asked in a soft voice, breathing against Kaidan's lips.

"Yeah… Yeah, I'm fine," he whispered back. "You… You can move, if you want to."

Kaidan was breathing hard, but slowly through his nose as he let himself adjust. While not the ten inch cock-monster some made Shepard out to be, at least according to the extranet, Shepard had certainly been blessed in that department as well. Some guys really did seem to get it all. Not that Kaidan was complaining…

Especially not when Shepard finally started moving.

Just like when they first started, Shepard was being very careful. This time Kaidan was grateful for that though. It had been a long time since he'd had sex, even longer since he had been a bottom, and needed the time to adjust.

Shepard was good at distracting him though; pressing small, playful kisses against his lips, his jaw and against his neck as he slowly rolled his hips. His own half-hard erection was sandwiched between their bellies and as Shepard moved, it hardened again thanks to the caresses from their joined bodies.

Kaidan wrapped his arms under and around Shepard's shoulders, pressing him close to his own body as they started moving a little firmer. They had abandoned trying to speak anymore a while ago, preferring for their bodies and lips to do the talking for them.

It didn't take long before the small, playful kisses turned more desperate. Their breaths were quickening, hands were roaming and at one point Kaidan's biotics flared up again, caressing over both his and Shepard's bodies, and adding just one more thing to drive Kaidan wild with desire.

Shepard's body was slapping against Kaidan's, both their bodies' slick with sweat, making it easier to move with one another. Kaidan's hands slid down over the strong back, nails scraping over the skin, drawing a long moan from Shepard before Kaidan's mouth were once again captured by the Commander's.

It was surreal, feeling Shepard sliding inside him, feeling that hard dick caressing and claiming him on the inside while the owner kissed and caressed him on the inside. Kaidan tried his best to add to the pleasure, not wanting to just lay there and take it, using his hands, biotics and anal-muscles to caress, to squeeze, to locate and tease over every spot he could find that made Shepard reach.

He knew when he found one because Shepard's movements would falter for a moment and the man would groan, sounding like a large, satisfied cat when he did so.

All too soon Kaidan could feel his climax approach and with a grunted "c-close!" against Shepard's lips, he tried to warn him. He wanted to stop them, wanted to draw it out for as long as he could, but he knew he could have attempted to stop the tide and gotten the same result as the waves crashed around him.

Based on the sounds Shepard was making as well as the firmness to the Commander's thrusts, he was close as well, but Kaidan couldn't reason himself to think that. His head was way gone in the pleasure that was building and all he could do was hug Shepard close to himself as he rocked back against him.

A few more thrusts and that was it. With a groan, Kaidan reached his climax, spilling himself between their bodies, smearing it against their bellies as Shepard continued to thrust into the biotic, the movements uneven and hard before stilling completely.

Kaidan could have sworn that, for a moment, he was floating in space. No gravity with nothing but stars around him. He had no air to breathe, but he wasn't choking. It was like his biotics had wrapped him in a safe co-coon, keeping him warm, keeping him afloat.

At least for a little while.

When he regained feeling in his body and had half a mind to put together, he could feel Shepard's breath against his lips. It took Kaidan a moment before he tilted his head up enough to kiss him, both of them breathing hard against the other.

Then they chuckled hoarsely.

"Oh wow…"

Kaidan chuckled as Shepard lay down on top of him, refusing to let him go just yet. He kept his arms securely around him, head tilted against Shepard's shaved scalp, arm around his shoulders, hands caressing over his arm and back.

"You could say that again…"

"Oh wow…"

Kaidan let out a snort and pressed a kiss to Shepard's head. "Funny."

"I like to think I am."

"Just shut up and enjoy this moment, Commander," Kaidan murmured, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. He relished the moment, the weight and feeling of Shepard on top of him, still inside of him. Listening too him breathing, feeling his chest rise and the warm puffs of air wash over his chest.

Soon they would reach Ilos and who knew what would happen there.

What they would face.

What they could loose.

Before he succumbed to sleep, Kaidan tightened his arms around Shepard, inhaling deeply so he could bring the scent with him as he fell asleep.

He knew when he woke up, everything could and would be different.


End file.
